An open letter to the boy I love who is moving away

I’m sure somewhere in your room there’s a calendar with the date marked off; the day you get to start over. When all your stuff in that room you’ve called home for the past few years will be somewhere new. When you’ll be somewhere new. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for you. I really am. I hope moving helps you find whatever it is you’re looking for. Whoever it is you’re looking for. Even though I’m not sure you know what or who that is yet. I’ve always believed in the cliche saying “everything happens for a reason” and so has my best friend. And I’m almost positive that this situation is no exception to that. Almost.

It’s sort of like the way we met; random and unforeseen. I never saw you coming. And I wonder now if I did; would I run the opposite way as fast as I could? Almost. I’m sure you think I had preconceived notions of how it would play out. How we would play out. But I didn’t. I’m glad I didn’t, because if I had, in some ways real you would have never matched up to fantasy you. And I’m not sure what my brain would do with that information.

I’ve always been the kind of girl who makes plans; regardless of how every single plan I made never turned out the way I anticipated. I still don’t think there is anything wrong with that. In fact, I think there is something to be said for plans that go astray. On that Thursday night, I never would have imaged that I would find myself kissing your cousin. I still wonder how I get myself in to these stupid situations. I also never would have imagined seeing you caring that it happened. But you of course denied that the next day. You have the ability to do what so many people can’t do- intrigue me. It’s not even about physical connection or even the infatuation I felt that very very first time I laid eyes on you. It’s possible that all along I knew you were a bad idea, but somewhere between the laughter, conversation and the ability I had to be my true self with you, any potential consequences that could arise from knowing you just disappeared. I think that moments and people like you are hard to come by. A needle in a hay stack if you will. I realised that day I met you that you would be different. You possess the ability to light up any room you are in, and I was lucky enough to be the one who got to watch you shine, if only for a moment. I am the girl who feels deeply. I’ve learnt that this trait is one that is both a blessing and a curse. And I’ve learnt that the hard way. I fall in love with sunsets and song lyrics and books and moments and the unique pain I get from looking at you. The first time I saw you, I didn’t fall in love with you, but I fell in love with your ability to paint my world, which at times felt black and white, with vibrant colours. In my mind meeting you wasn’t some twist of fate or magic moment. It wasn’t love at first sight. It was the opportunity for it to be love that excited me. For the first time in what felt like an eternity I remembered what it felt like to appreciate the little things about someone. I was able to shut down the broken parts of myself and remember how it felt to laugh and smile and feel loved. Feel in love. It’s funny how one person can leave such an impact. Its irrational in every sense but I think that if I had known you for only five seconds or for years; I would feel the same way. I guess things like feelings, connections and interest just don’t have time frames.

Even now, after knowing you for three years, I don’t know what to call you. All I know is that you can make me smile from saying the most insignificant thing. In one text you can change my entire mood. It’s like talking to a male version of myself. I’ve had boys before and no two have been alike. It’s like chapters in my unfinished book, your pages are so unlike the others. I don’t know how to explain what you were. What you are. And that doesn’t really matter to me anymore. Maybe you were a friend, a first love, a crush, a tragedy, a dramatic incident or just someone I once knew. I still don’t know the answer to that question and there is a chance I never will. It’s possible what we are isn’t meant to be defined.The truth is you are a paradox. A clear contradiction to the choice I know is right. So this is me swallowing my pride and admitting something to you I’m sure you already know: I love you. I’m in love with you. And you’re moving miles away and I’m staying here. I’ve said it all before but here I am writing down all my stupid thoughts in hopes that I might leave less unsaid. Why? Because you will always mean something to me. I find it difficult to walk away from us and pretend like what I felt never existed. Pretend I’m not being torn apart over it. There is part of me that will always hope you feel the same way. And another part of me that knows you never will. For me, I think the most difficult thing is walking away from someone I saw so much potential with.

It completely sucks that you’re moving away. And by sucks I mean that I feel like I’m being cut in half. I know you need a change of pace and you will end up being so happy with a new beginning. I know you’re scared but I know you and I know you’ll be fine from the second you get there. From a selfish side; I hate this. And I hate you. And there’s no doubt in my mind you will find someone so perfect for you over there that whatever we had will be even less relevant than it is now to you. I hope you meet a boy you love because if you ever get with another girl I’d probably have a breakdown. I need you. I want you. I thought I could have you. I don’t know why this needs to be so hard. But it is. And the truth is I don’t want to lose all of the feelings I have for you. They are part of me now. And I can’t see myself ever flipping a switch and not caring about you. And even though your moving, I hope you know how special I think you are. How I know you’ve been hurt in the past and probably felt like your souls been ripped out a few times. But I didn’t ever plan on doing that, but I may have unintentionally given you part of mine. Moving or not, there’s a small part of me that you will always have. And I’m not sure that you even know that; and I’m not sure that you ever will.

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