I didn’t quite, but I almost loved you

I didn’t quite, but I almost loved you.

When you drove me home at 2am and for the first time we talked to each other like we had something to say.

That night as we sat on the sofa watching TV and I couldn’t even look at you for fear that the magic between us would wear off as the stars chased the sun away.

I almost loved you.

When you kissed me in a vodka soaked haze and the only word I wanted to say afterwards was “wow”.

In the hours spent aimless in your car. I told you all my stories whilst you tried not to smirk or laugh which would distract your from the road. Feeling your eyes on me whilst I sang along to our songs with my hair blowing in the wind. In pitch black visiting our favourite places and taking blind left and rights until there was nothing left to do but take me home.

I almost loved you.

As we danced around in smokey clubs. It felt like we were the only ones dancing and I just wanted you to kiss me again. But you didn’t.

And I almost loved you.

Even as I knew you wanted to beg me not to. As I knew exactly what you’d say if I told you I did. That all you’ve ever known is how to be broken and all over the place and you’d break me too if I let you. That my heart was too fragile in your clumsy hands. You’d tell me my heart didn’t stand a chance and you knew it. You wouldn’t have known then that it was already too late.

And when it was 2am again but this time the air was filled with my bitter words that I should have said months ago and your silent resignation that you knew it was better this way. And this time all I could do was look at you. Desperately searching for that boy I thought you were. Or maybe that boy I wanted you to be. The air was so heavy with things that we weren’t saying and the three words that I know I can never say to you.

So I’ll just say I almost did. That I almost loved you.

And as weeks will turn in to months after I cut the romantic part of our story in to shreds I’ll start to forget. I’ll start to forget how you always ran your hands through your hair when you were nervous. The way you scrunched your nose up when you were frustrated. The wink you always threw my way that said more than any number of words could have ever done. But I’ll still always almost love you. I almost always will. And I only almost hope you almost loved me too.

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