This isn’t quite what I imagined, you know. I waited for years for me and you to finally get our act together and make it work. I waited and waited for you to finally realise that we were more than just friends. That we could actually be great together. That maybe we were even destined to be together. At least that’s what I thought we were for years whilst I watched you run after other girls but always come back to me. I told myself I was stupid to think me and you could ever work over and over again. Every time we kissed and never spoke about it again, every time we spoke about having sex and then second guessed ourselves, every time we trusted each other more than anyone else, it still wasn’t enough. And I’m sorry for being so crazy through those years, it was just because I loved you. I really really did. Do. I really really do.
It shouldn’t have been that hard. That’s what everyone tells you. Those people with years and years of marriage experience, they tell you that if it’s hard then it isn’t worth it. I remember my Mum sitting me down and explaining to me how I would know who was the one. And as much as I wanted you to be the one, maybe you still shouldn’t be. Because I will always love you but as I sit across from you at the table, I wonder if we are making a mistake. We made a choice to go for it and put everything we had in to trying to make “us” work. And that’s all I’ve wanted since I was 16 years old. A chance for “us”. But now I have it, I lay awake at night feeling you shift around in your sleep next me, wondering if your thoughts are as restless as mine are. Because I still question if this is what you really want. If I’m what you really want.
I know you didn’t mean to give me trust issues. But the years and years of being led on and messed around by you until you wanted to give us a chance really did mess with my brain. So when I come to visit you I try to fight the urge to look through your phone when you go out the room for a minute. And when you’re at your Uni and I’m at mine I can’t help but look at every post of yours on social media. Questioning who that girl is, wondering why you aren’t replying, heart pounding at every single second passing by. And I wish I wasn’t like that. I wish I wasn’t so paranoid that you don’t love me. But I still don’t really think you do. Because I’m never the one. And I still feel like I’m just someone to pass the time for you. Until the next girl comes along.
So when you come and surprise me with flowers and chocolate, I wonder if you did something you’re trying to cover up. I am all smiles and kisses but that thought in the back of my mind nags and nags at me. I manage to push it away until you’re in the shower and I’m laid on my bed. But then it’s all I can think about. And I wonder if this is what all relationships are like. Full of doubt and paranoia and fear. And when I know that relationships just shouldn’t be like that, I try my hardest to stop ours from being. So I go and join you in the shower and push your hair out of your eyes looking straight in to those big blue eyes. You give me that cheeky smile and my heart completely and utterly melts in to a puddle. My hearts is yours, with your name stamped all over it since 2015. And this. This right here, right now, is what I waited for for years.
And yet I’m laid awake at night again, with your breathing steadily next to me. I kiss your cheek over and over again snuggled up. I study every line and every freckle on your face, soaking in how beautiful you look when you’re so sound asleep. I lightly brush your fringe to the side and you wiggle around and I mouth sorry for slightly waking you up. I start to move away, ready to let you sleep and give you space. But your arm reaches out and pulls me closer, with that cheeky smile even happening when you’re asleep. I feel like I’m in a dream world of perfection and yet it still just doesn’t seem right.
I feel as though I don’t deserve to have this with you. Because I imagined it over and over again. In dreams. In daydreams. And in blog posts. For years I have thought about how we would be if we were together. And it was exactly this. Scratch that. This is better than I could have ever imagined. The cuddly nights. The cheeky shower moments. The making breakfast together in the morning. The surprise visits. The promises of a future together. And I’m still laid wide awake at 5am, wondering why it just all seems too good to be true. Because is it? Is this what you really want? You can tell me, you know. I know it would probably ruin our friendship but I’m pretty sure we threw that away the first time we kissed. I just want to know if I can let myself trust this, trust you.
But for now I’ll just enjoy being able to look at that face every night and every morning. Regardless of how scared I am that one day that face just won’t be there. So I’m looking at you over my book at 9am, sat in the chair across the room. And I wish I could photograph you in this light when you sit up in bed and see me for the first time. The smile. The brushing your hair back off your face. The beckoning of me to come back to bed. That first morning kiss. And every morning kiss I hope to get everyday for the rest of my life from you.