Everything I ever wanted?

“You got it by the way. Everything you ever wanted. Absolutely everything you could imagine you could possibly ever want. What you spent nights crying about and days obsessing over. What you messaged your best friend about for weeks on end. The very things you would’ve given your life for. That you would’ve given up your dreams and hopes and everything for. The purpose of your existing. I know it’s all you wanted. And it’s all you could imagine. But right now you’re just 16 years old and you have so much to learn. You have so much more to your life than pining over a boy for the next few years. A boy, by the way, doesn’t have a clue you feel this way. So don’t trick yourself in to thinking he does. And don’t trick yourself in to thinking he feels it too. And I guess you can’t blame him, how is he supposed to know you’re utterly obsessed with him and even though you spend a lot of the week together and talk every single day. It’s still not enough. He doesn’t know you have blog posts written about him and quotes screenshotted on to your phone. It’s funny really because it’s all you ever wanted. And then all of a sudden you’re a few days away from being twenty years old and you’re sharing a lot more than just drunken kisses like at 17. You’re sharing a bed and intimate moments you never imagined you would with him. And you’re wearing his hoodie around his flat at Uni and eating breakfast together and at 16 you would have thought this sounded perfect. You wanted this life so badly. And ironically you’ve got it but it doesn’t feel like it should. And I don’t know if that’s because he’s broken your heart so many times before or because you still don’t truly have his heart now. Or if it’s because maybe you two just truly aren’t meant to be. But as you’re kissing and taking each other’s clothes off, it all just feels a little clinical and cold. Planned and ordinary. And after it’s all over, he pulls his arm away that didn’t really feel that comforting anyway. And you put his hoodie back on because you’re cold but it just doesn’t feel as good as you thought it would at 16. And you find yourself so desperately trying not to make a sound as the tears start and you can already hear him heavy breathing asleep next to you. You don’t know whether to be impressed or depressed that you manage to not wake him.

Because he was the boy of your dreams. But somehow the sex and meaningless “I love you’s” seem more like a nightmare.”

I wrote this post after one of my best friends sent me a huge paragraph explaining her current situation. So of course I stole her ideas and changed it so it would fit my life. Or at least what my life could be like in exactly one year. (Love you Han xxx)

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