Closure does not exist

You know what is so annoying? That closure does not exist. It never has and it never will. And until recently I had been so sure that someday I would get closure on things I’ve always wanted closure on. But I’ve realised that I will never get it. Because closure means ending. It means peace. It means a closed door. A shut book. And if you think about it, that never happens.

Because nothing is ever finished. There will always be questions. Why’s. What if’s. Possibilities. There will never be a true end to our feelings. Our thoughts. Our plans.

So maybe you broke up a day ago or ten years. And maybe you were never even together. Maybe you met when you were 18 and naive. Maybe you loved him with all your heart and maybe it was just a fling.

The truth is. Closure doesn’t exist. It’s too much of a fairy tale. It’s too similar to movies. Where people get explanations for why people left and people get answers to the questions that keep them up at night. It’s too much of a happily ever after. And that just doesn’t happen in real life. Because at the end of the day, love never ends. It can’t. It doesn’t just end after a breakup or a conversation or a lunch break or a nightly goodbye. We carry love with us until we die. It mattered. They mattered. Love mattered and closure doesn’t make it not matter. Them not matter.

Love doesn’t end when they break your heart. It doesn’t end when you can’t stand them anymore. Your heart will always be feeling, caring, loving them in some little way.

It doesn’t matter what happens with them to make it end. What excuse they give you. What way they fucked it up. It doesn’t matter how they break your heart. Whether it’s “it’s not you it’s me” or whether they just cut you out of their life. It doesn’t how special they made you feel and how you wanted them to make you feel lucky for the rest of your life.

It doesn’t matter because it still hurts. It will always hurt. That little sting in the back of your mind when their name comes up in conversation. It still breaks you. It still keeps you up at night. Closure is just another word for heartbreak, for goodbye, for get out of my life, for see you never.

And maybe I’m just being pessimistic about closure. Because even when I have had “closure” it didn’t help in any way, shape or form. I still love him. So maybe I’m biased. Maybe I’m broken. Maybe I’m just a little too mortified after the last time I was stung. Maybe closure just exists for everyone but me.

Because closure is nothing but a curtain call that closes temporarily. It’s messy. Hearts still hurt and ache and bleed. Wounds are cut deep. And sometimes that damage is irreversible.

But saying goodbye for me doesn’t mean the feelings go out of the window. Ending things doesn’t mean that all emotion for them is gone, that it can die and wither whilst they walk away. Closure just puts a temporary smiley face on top of my heart. An imaginary sparkly coat of paint to cover up the hurt. The damage. The pain.

But soon enough that smile disappears and that sparkly coat of paint chips off. And the hurt comes back. The loss comes back. The feelings are still there. Probably hidden. Maybe right there in plain sight. But either way they are there. Lingering.

And the love? That will always stay.

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