Sometimes people ask me how you are and I don’t know the answer

Not speaking to people for ages is strange. They knew you for years but suddenly they wouldn’t be able to answer the simplest question about you. They only know you from the last moment they saw you. From the last time you texted them. The last time you opened up to them. Called them. Turned up at their house. But at the same time it feels like there’s been no time gap at all, social media making the time in between not feel as long.

There’s still pictures of us on my Instagram.

6 years of friendship and laughter and moments that just can’t be deleted. Because even if I did delete the pictures, they are engraved in my brain.

They see the pictures still. And they remember us together every weekend. Doing what best friends do. So they ask me when they see me. They ask me how you are.

And I wonder:

How are you doing? What are you doing? When is the last time you wondered what I was doing? Checked my Instagram? Thought about texting me? When was the last time you cried of laughter? Have you changed in the 6 months I haven’t seen you? Is your favourite colour still green? Do you still watch way too much Netflix and wait for your Mum to bring you breakfast in bed? Are you happy? Are you healthy? Are you okay? How’s University? Do you have a new hobby? Did you see that show I always told you to watch? Do you wish things were different between us? Because I know I do. 

Honestly. What’s really up with you? Because I flat out do not know.

I don’t know what my best friend is doing anymore.

And then I so badly want to pick up the phone to call but I just wouldn’t know what to say anymore. And I almost called you the other week when I fell out with my other best friends but I just didn’t think you cared anymore. And I wouldn’t know where to begin because the last we talked deeply about anything I was screaming at you at prom to just leave me alone and you did. You left me. And the last time we facetimed I was silently sobbing whilst you told me you had to go to answer the door to him. And the last time I saw you it felt like we were strangers forcing conversation and I still can’t believe that was 6 months ago. I think the last time we talked I apologised. All I remember is waking up the next day and regretting apologising to you over snapchat because I couldn’t be less sorry. So the real reason I don’t call is because I’m not sorry and I know you’re not either. So there’s too much bad blood between us, and what feels like 6000 miles of awkward silence. And I want to scream at you. I wish I could pick up the phone and yell and cry and try and reason with you. Try and find some resolution. But we both know we spent way too much of 2017 trying to do exactly that. So it hurts that I don’t see you or hear from you anymore. And I feel like I lost a massive part of me last year.

But I don’t call.

I sit in between the 6000 miles of awkward silence and I wish I so badly knew what to tell them when they ask me how you are. But I don’t anymore. And I don’t know how to explain it. So I tell them:

She’s fine.

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