All too well

I woke up one day to you simultaneously ringing my doorbell and calling me on the phone. I jolted awake so confused that I started saying “hello” to a phone I hadn’t even clicked answer on. Messy hair, Christmas pyjamas (yes still), red dressing gown and with only one slipper on I sprinted down the stairs and flung the front door open. And there you were. Unfortunately I had slept through my 6 alarms I had set hoping I’d be ready for you coming at 9AM. You roll your eyes and say “you better not have to wash your hair” because you know how long it takes me to do that. And just you standing there in skinny jeans and a black t-shirt, hoodie in your arms ready to put on, was breathtaking.

So 45 minutes later after you yell at me numerous times that I’m taking too long, we are in the car. It’s not like we have anything important to do. It’s just that I had been annoyed when you said you would pick me up at 11 and I’d promised I would definitely absolutely totally be ready for 9 and then I wasn’t. But it’s fine and it’s December and we are shopping. And you hold open the door for me so we can go inside where the air isn’t so cold. And somehow, after having a really hard week, I feel at home just by looking at you. I ask if you can hold my gloves and I realise as I write this that I forgot to ever ask you to give them back. So I guess you still have them, even now.

What I like about you is your sweet disposition. And I keep finding myself just looking at you with my wide eyed gaze. And we are singing in the car to Christmas songs even though it’s past Christmas now and getting lost in places we have been to millions of times. And the last of the autumn leaves are falling down like pieces in to place. And I’m sitting here imagining what it’s like to be around you. And I know we are just friends and any type of romantic possibility is long gone and that magic’s not here anymore. And I might be okay about that but I’m really not fine at all.

I can’t stop thinking about you and all the things we have done together. And there we are again on that little town street. When you almost ran the red because you were looking over at me singing. Wind in my hair because the windows had to be down as your car was broken and the heating on all the time made it a sauna. I was there. You were there. And I remember it all too well.

I remember you at my house. Looking through old photos. And when we look at embarrassing one’s of me, my cheeks are bright red. And even now I still feel like that little kid in glasses. And my Mum is telling you stories about me when I was an absolute nightmare drama queen. And you tell her I’m still like that now. I guess I told you about my past because I wanted my future to be you. And I know that part of us is long gone and there was nothing I could even do. And I forget that I love you for a few hours and I forget about you long enough just to get through the day. But then I remember.

And there we are again in the middle of the night. Listening to Taylor Swift songs and dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light. And I remember it all too well. And I can’t get over it and I can’t get over you. Because you’re such a huge part of who I am. And I know it shouldn’t be like that and you should never let someone complete you. But you really really did. You filled in all the spaces and the holes and the cracks and allowed me to be whole. Allowed me to be me. So now I’m sat here wondering what went wrong and why we couldn’t be the us I wanted us to be.

Maybe we got lost in translation. Maybe I asked for too much. I always knew I was demanding but did I expect too much from us? Because I thought we would be perfect, that we were perfect. But maybe this thing, this us was a masterpiece. Until you tore it all up.

So now I’m going on a run trying to distract myself from everything. I’m running scared. Because I was there. And I remember it all too well. And my music stops whilst I’m running because you’re calling me up again ready to break me like a promise. You’re so casually cruel. And I wish you could have just been honest before. And told me that it wasn’t meant to be and it wasn’t going to happen.

And now I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here. In my bed I wish you were in again. Because if I hadn’t mentioned it before, I was there and I remember it. All. All. All too well. And I’m watching the minutes go by waiting for it to be acceptable for me to actually go to bed. But time won’t fly. It’s like I’m paralysed by it. By everything.

And I’m doing all my homework and going on runs and washing my hair and keeping my room tidy and eating healthily. I’m trying to be good. I’m desperately trying to be my old self again. I’d really like to be someone I recognise. But I guess I’m still trying to find her. Because after pyjamas and your hoodie days and nights where you made me your own. Now all I do is walk home alone.

But you still have my gloves. From that random shopping trip. Maybe you wear them on days where you wish you could grab my hands and hold them. Maybe it reminds you of when you were innocent. Maybe they smell like me. I guess you can’t get rid of them. It would be like throwing away a part of me. And you remember me all too well.

And there we are again. When I loved you so. I really did, you know. Love you. It took over my whole being and maybe that’s why I can’t get over it. Because you became a part of me. And when that happens it’s really hard and really painful to cut them out. And there we are, back before you lost the one real thing you’ve ever known.

It was rare. What we had was special. At least it was special to me. And I was there. Through the drama, the laughter, the tears and the love. I remember it all too well. Wind in my hair. You were there. Crying with laughter. I was there. Huddled together in the freezing cold. We were there. Do you remember it? Because it’s what I lay awake thinking about.

And I might be okay but I’m not fine at all. Because it was rare. I was there. And I remember it. All too well.

(Based on All Too Well by Taylor Swift.)

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