On Friday I had the most terrifying realisation: whatever we have is exactly what I’ve always wanted, and you don’t feel the same.
You were driving me home with the windows down, it was freezing but the music was turned all the way up. And I decided I needed to kiss you goodnight. Once the car stopped you said I had a lovely time my dear and I thanked you for the ride. I looked in to your eyes just long enough to see that you weren’t thinking what I was. Of course you weren’t. So I just smiled as you pulled me in for a hug and told me you would text me when you were next free to meet up. I got out the car and escaped with my pride intact. And I just couldn’t fathom how much I had needed to kiss you and how that was all going on in my head.
At least from my (admittedly delusional) perspective, Friday was exactly what I’d wanted in a relationship, minus the physical affection. Do you wander round shops with your friend? Sure. Do you go out for meals that they pay for? Why not. Do you sit and watch films for hours? Maybe, sure. Do you go on drives with your friend just to get that ice cream you’re really craving? Of course. I get it; this could all just be a friendship.
But friends don’t lean in just a little too close. They don’t grin and slap your hand as you try to change the song in the car or flirt with you in the car at 2am.
They don’t call you a princess or act like you’re the only two people in the world or talk to you nonstop about absolutely nothing. Or maybe this time they do. Maybe it’s all in my head.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy our constant conversations. It’s quite the opposite, but I still kind of wish you’d stop. Although I’m trying my best to accept that I’m just a friend to you, the way you talk to me makes this impossible.
It scares me that I could talk to you about nothing all day and all night. When other times I could not want to talk to anyone at all. I’ve spent hours with my phone on do not disturb doing exactly that, not wanting to be disturbed. But now I find myself pressing that stupid Home button and wondering if my phone is broken every two minutes to see if you’ve responded. It’s not like I’m waiting for an urgent reply; I’m checking to find out what you’re having for dinner or how you responded to my not so subtle flirty text.
Strangely enough, I actually care because this is what I’ve always wanted. I’ve always wanted someone like you. Actually. I’ve always wanted someone to make me feel like you make me feel. I wanted to find someone who made me smile. Who made me cry laugh and struggle to breathe because it’s that funny. Someone who would challenge me but not push me over the edge. Someone who would want to spend time with me. Someone who would appreciate me. Someone who cared about me. Someone solid, strong and honest. Someone who would change me for the better.
You’re the person I’ve always wanted, but you just don’t want me. Sure you care about me. Sure we are friends. Best friends even.
Sometimes I just have to remind myself that just because I feel so happy and in love when I’m with you, doesn’t mean you feel the same about me. Maybe I’m a placeholder to you. Someone to help you feel loved. Needed. Wanted. Maybe you’re so used to having someone to flirt with that this form of friendship is how you cope. I’m sorry that I interpreted the way you act with me as a form of love. I guess you just aren’t capable of loving someone at the moment.
All I know is that you don’t feel how I do. Or maybe you do. Maybe you’re just too stupid to make a move. Make a change. Make me happy. The truth hurts. But knowing you is worth figuring out how to get over this. If I need to get over this. I don’t want to lose you and I hope I never will.
I promise that I’m going to be the best friend to you I can be and not expect anything else. Well that’s a lie. I promise to try and not expect anything else. But the way you look at me makes it really hard. And the things you say make it even harder. So please don’t do that. Please don’t ruin the friendship. Please don’t pretend that you love me if you don’t. Please don’t act like we are something more.
Or better yet. Please say something. Make a change. Please ruin the friendship and make it a love story. Please love me. Please can we be something more. Because it could be beautiful. We could be beautiful. And I know I sound pathetic. But I think we could be something. Something beautiful.