Everyone has three hearts

“He said that everyone has three hearts. The first heart, that’s the one you show to strangers. The second heart? Only your family gets to see that. Your family and friends and the person put on this Earth to walk by your side. Your soulmate. But that third heart is the thing. Never let anyone see it. There’s too much truth inside. Too much risk.”

What does your third heart tell you? I ask myself this what seems like every time I find myself awake at 2am. With only the sounds of my sleeping family breathing in the rooms next to me and the noise of my overheating laptop that should have been turned off hours ago to keep me company. The thoughts come and I find myself wondering why he doesn’t love me like I love him. Wondering why I still care. So I put my laptop away and pray that my third heart will slow down and shut up and let me sleep. Pray that it will just stop beating and pounding against my chest just like the thoughts in my head. But it never ever does.

My first heart

This one is how you show yourself to others. Your appearance. Your personality. Your attitude. Your lasting impression. It’s what people passing you in the street see. It’s what strangers on the bus see. It’s what drunk people in a club see. It’s your sassy hair flick. Your contagious laugh. Your obnoxiously loud voice whilst you giggle with your friends. It’s the way you act around people. The way you help that old lady across the street.  The way just the twinkle in your eyes can captivate even the most random of people. Overall it’s the heart just general people around you see. The heart you want people to see. The way you want people to see you.

My second heart

Now this one is absolutely beautiful. It’s full of happy childhood memories and growing up. It’s the constant laughing. The shopping trips and spending way too much money. It’s your “true self”, your ever changing self. It’s the difference between you at 4 years old to now. It’s your true friends knowing how much you have changed. It’s you crying to your friend in a car and them comforting you by saying exactly what you need to hear. Because they know you. They know what you’re like. What you love. (Pizza, pasta, anything chicken, laughing, princesses, shopping, texting and reading quotes). What you hate. (Being hungry, being cold, being in any way uncomfortable, being told you’re wrong.) It’s the way you love. The way you hug someone for that extra few seconds to show them you care. The way you cling on to their hand because you can’t bear to let go. The way their face feels against yours.

My third heart

This is the one I’d like to say no one has ever seen. But that’s a lie. I’m the sort of person who accidentally shows flashes of my third heart to people when I probably really shouldn’t. Because that can only end badly, right? It’s full of truth. Your real thoughts. Not the one’s you share with people just to get them to think you feel a certain way when you actually don’t. Or the one’s you share to get people to back off. But the real, harsh truth. You know that real, harsh truth you accidentally share at 2am when you should be sleeping but you’re sobbing and sending raw emotional paragraphs to people. That’s the risk part. Because it’s your heart. Well in this case my heart. And unfortunately I am always so willing to share it with people. And I can assure you that that has made things a huge mess at some points. But at the end of the day there is nothing more beautiful to me than listening to my best friend tell me her thoughts and for me to tell her mine with our third hearts shining bright. Beating fast.

And what does my third heart tell me tonight? That I love him. That I’ll always love him. And I’m sure he will always love me too. Whether that means he loves loves me or just loves me as a friend is something I don’t know at this moment in time. Will I ever know? Not even my third heart could tell me that. But maybe, just maybe, his third heart will tell him the answer to that. One day.

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