He was never mine

That’s the most stupid expression in the world. ‘I fell in love’—as if you had no choice. There’s a moment, there’s always a moment; I can do this, I can give in to this or I can resist it. I don’t know when your moment was but I bet there was one. ― Patrick Marber, Closer

So I guess he was never mine. But it still feels like he was. Or that he is. So letting him go shouldn’t be an issue, right?

Wrong.

As usual, of course, I only have myself to blame. I KNEW nothing would progress from our “relationship”. But I still allowed myself to get my hopes up every time we spent more than 10 minutes just me and him together. And I knew that allowing myself to spend extra time alone with him and text and call him all the time would just mess with my head. And past Cleo would have turned away in an instant after I realised he wasn’t interested in me like that because of my slight tenancy to get too attached to him. But present Cleo said “you know what? Fuck it. I’m going to spend time with him and enjoy it. He’s going to Uni in September and the distance away from him will just make it so much easier to get over him.”

Present Cleo was an actual fucking idiot.

But still. He made me laugh a little harder this Summer. And have someone to cheekily smile at from across the room. Just seeing his smile so regularly made me fall a little harder (as much as I don’t want to admit that). We started to learn things about each other, little quirks and irritations and stories behind anxieties and scars that made us who we are. We spent a noticeably bigger amount of time together which made even my closest of friends question my sanity. I told them I was fine of course. And when I wasn’t with him, we were usually texting. He became more of a constant part in my life. Someone to call when something happened, someone to say good morning and goodnight to.

Sure. Maybe some people could remove themselves from this situation. Hell, I’m sure some people could make sure they were never in it to begin with. Just flip the off switch. Walk away. Cut him out. Sadly, however, I don’t seem to be one of those people. When I let people in. They are in.

So here comes the sick and twisted bit. I let him in, right? Allowing myself to mentally prepare for him to leave for Uni. Letting myself process and accept that I was only letting myself become so attached because he would soon be leaving and then I could work properly on getting over him and I wouldn’t be in love with him anymore. Right? RIGHT?

I thought the leaving, the forgetting, the letting it go, the getting over it was soon to come. But how freaking wrong could I be? He’s not going to Uni this year anymore. He’s staying a mere 20 minutes away from me still. Not the hours away I expected. I had spent so much time convincing myself to just let myself enjoy the time and not think ahead. So now. Why the hell is he not leaving like I planned?

So here we are. I’ve drafted and deletes the “This is it” texts thousands of times. And I haven’t brought myself to send it (except to my friends). The texts where I tell him how I feel and how I want things to progress now he isn’t leaving. But I can’t help thinking I’ll just be ignored or rejected once again. I don’t want to send it because I don’t want to know what the reply would be. So it’s just there looming in my drafts.

I want to remember the good parts of what we had. But when I do that it just makes it even harder for me to think of why we can’t just become official now he isn’t leaving. I wish we would fight again. It was easier to hate him when we did. I’ve always been the sort of person who needs closure and I can’t help but hate the fact that I thought I was getting closure because he was leaving. And now he just isn’t.

I am so annoyed at past Cleo right now. What was I thinking? How could I let myself do this again? I think I’m just in shock. That the person I love and want is actually staying. And that I still couldn’t be any further from actually being with him. I often wonder if past me will ever learn from her mistakes. I guess I shouldn’t say that. Because I do learn. But I guess what I should say and question is if I will ever learn enough to the point where it makes any difference in my actions. After all, the definition of insanity is repeating the same action over and over and expecting different results. And I know for a fact that I am expecting different things from you this time. But maybe I’m just being hopeful. Insanely hopeful you could say.

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