“Circles, we’re going in circles. Dizzy’s all it makes us. We know where it takes us. We’ve been before closer. Maybe looking closer. There’s more to discover. Find out what went wrong without blaming each other. Think that we got more time. When we’re falling behind. Gotta make up our minds. Or else we’ll play, play, play all the same old games. And we wait, wait, wait for the end to change. And we take, take, take it for granted that we’ll be the same. But we’re making all the same mistakes.”
Circles. I’ve spent the best part of two years going round and round in them. With my emotions. With my stability. And especially with you. And right now I can clearly say. We have come full circle.
It’s been nearly two years since I first set eyes on you. Nearly two years since I felt my first heart skip when I looked at you. We were in our first month of sixth form. I was sixteen and maybe a lot more naive than I thought I was. I’d never been in love. I’d never had my heart properly broken. It’s funny how much can change in a year and a half.
We have been through every stage possible a million times over. Strangers. Classmates. Friends. Enemies. More than friends.
We kissed. Three times.
And I don’t even know why I’m holding on to that so much.
We agreed to just be friends.
We planned to have sex.
We argued non-stop.
We didn’t talk for weeks.
I tried to reach out.
You ignored me.
Making eye contact across the common room feeling as if my eyes were on fire.
We made up. Patched everything up. Decided to pretend the whole more than friends thing never happened.
Tears. Arguments. Screaming.
More than friends.
And here we are. Full circle. With me still in love with you and you still pretending we never had a thing. It’s back to the start. I’d go as far to consider saying we are better off as just friends. We laugh, have fun, try to pretend we wouldn’t be perfect together and banter each other. We text about our hopes and dreams and the future. We go out for food and go on long walks until I can barely walk and you nearly choke on your ice cream. We tease each other mercilessly. We have inside jokes. You seek me out to talk to me, you text me first, you buy me dinner. You make me happy. I can hear your name and not feel my heart jump in to my throat.
We might have come full circle but I feel different about you now. Good different? Bad different? I’m undecided. I genuinely don’t know. I know now there’s definitely no chance of us shifting from friends to more than friends. Although I’d like to think labelling us as just friends to begin with is a little unfair. We were strangers when I first started loving you.
I guess, for me, to class myself as just your friend now. I’ve spent the best part of two years thinking we could go somewhere. Having everyone around me think we could go somewhere. It’s like we are becoming friends for the first time, but we have so much history together already. And I hate to break it to you but I am only now processing the fact that we have been just friends for nearly two years and that the “more than friends” stuff was just all in my head. And do you know what? You’re actually quite a good friend. Put aside the annoying side of you and you’re definitely bearable.
And I’m not bitter. Actually that’s a lie. I’m still a little bit bitter. It’s hard to let go of something you actually thought would lead to something special. I am trying though. To let go. To not be so hung up over you. To stop letting myself be so fucked up about it. I’m sorry that it’s taken me this long to get to this point. The point where I’m ready to stop loving you.
I’m not going to lie and say it’s been easy. Sometimes I see you with other girls and it honestly makes me feel like I’m being stabbed. But it honestly doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. And I can’t quite decide if that’s because I’m starting to get over you or if I seriously am just used to it. But I’d like to think I’m healing. My heart is beginning to mend itself. And that I’m going to like being just your friend.
If you had told me
3 months ago last week that I would be writing this post right now. I probably wouldn’t have believed. Because I was still hurting. I didn’t see a way out. I guess seeing you all over another girl at a party was just a huge eye opener for me.
But finally. I think I’ve found the light at the end of the longest and darkest tunnel I’ve ever been in. And I think it might just turn out okay in the end after all.
And this time last
month week if you had asked me who I wanted to see myself with for life it would have been you. Safe to say things haven’t turned out quite how I hoped it would. But it’s not been a total loss. I’ve survived the hardest two years of my life. And I will be definitely more cautious when it comes to love next time. And I can’t help but thinking that that’s a sad thing. That I feel the need to be cautious.
You’ve taken a lot from me. You’ve changed me for the better and for the worse. You’ve made me who I am today and I will always be grateful for how strong you have made me. And even with all the heart ache; I think I’ll love you forever.