“Maybe we’ll meet again, when we are slightly older and our minds less hectic, and I’ll be right for you and you’ll be right for me. But right now, I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart.”
I keep replaying all the conversations we have ever had in my mind, the one’s we had when my world used to revolve around you. I remember how stupid I was literally just sat waiting around for YOU to make up YOUR mind. When I didn’t even know what I want. And I remember how I used to hold my breath whenever I said “I love you” because I know that you thought it was just a friendly passing comment. But I meant it. And I know that when you said it back. You didn’t. And to be honest it annoys me that I felt like I needed to feel grateful that you said it back. Even if you didn’t mean it in the slightest.
Falling in love with someone who has no idea what they want is probably one of the most damaging things you can involuntarily do. And guess what I did? I did that. And I ridiculously regret that. But I guess I can’t really help it.
In all honesty I’m tired of being the woman that you stay with for ten minutes and then leave for weeks. And then come back acting like nothing happened. I’m tired of being ignored on Wednesday nights but thought of lazy Sunday morning’s when you’re suddenly bored. I’m tired of being the woman you only think of when you’re bored. When you want to fill your empty life with some temporary excitement.
I’m tired of being your maybe. Your option. Your second choice.
Because you know I would always be there. I was that one person you considered as the person who would never go away. The go-to girl. I was always around when you needed me. Or when you were in trouble. Or if you had any problems. Even though I know you wouldn’t care about mine if I needed you. You could text me at 4am and I would reply immediately. Even though you could take weeks to reply to me.
I never gave up on the idea that we could still be meant to be. That you might still want me. And I never complained when none of my dreams like these were met. I really don’t know what I did to be so desperate for you. Maybe I literally ate some bad chicken and got poisoned. Who knows.
Because I don’t understand why I settled for someone who didn’t meet my needs at all. Who didn’t treat me how I deserve in the slightest. And I don’t understand why I was so willing to give you my all even when you weren’t even willing to give me half.
I’m tired. Have I mentioned that? I’m pretty sure everything you do is just to make sure I never get over you. Or maybe I’m thinking in to it too much.
But at the end of the day. I pick my poison and it’s you.