Dear my almost lover. This is my final goodbye.

Dear you,

Wow. I have written about you so much that it seems silly for me to even say goodbye. But I just feel like it’s right. And I think I owe it to myself to be able to say goodbye. So that’s what I’m going to do.

I miss you already. But this is the last time I’m going to write about you. (But I’m sure you will pop up again at some point.) I’m writing this hoping it will bring me back to reality in some way. Hoping it will make things feel real again.

The truth is. You’re everything to me. And saying that as someone who never actually dated you is probably completely crazy. But I’d like to say I know you better than anyone. Even if we were/are just “friends”.

I hear you in every love song. And I see your eyes in anything crystal blue that I see. I loved you in that way where you would give anything for them.

“I love you, in a really, really big – pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window – unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me.”

And I’m not sure if loving someone in that way or beautiful or deeply tragic. Maybe it depends on how they feel back.

You were everywhere. You still are everywhere. The idea of seeing your face in strangers and hearing your name used to be comforting. And for the longest time you have been the only thing on my mind most of the time. And I think that’s why I’ve written about you so much. But I just can’t continue to do that anymore. Because I feel like now would be the best time for me to let you go. Sorry.

I don’t know why I’m apologising. It just feels right. Because I know that even though this has been painful for me; I know you’re not having the best year either. But what am I supposed to do now I feel like you’re everywhere. And I can’t wash you off my skin. I can’t get you out of my mind. And it’s killing me.

We were never together. But I’d like to believe we could have been. But I have to let go of those thoughts now. Because all the possibilities and the “could have been’s” are just making me too crazy. We were never in love. It was just me who loved you. But one thing I can say we had was the “click”. I knew it as soon as we met and I know you did too. Maybe that’s why we are such good friends. We just really get on well. It feels weird saying friends.

But at the same time that’s what we are. Friends. And I am learning to be okay with that. And I am learning to be okay with myself. I am broken. But so are you. And that’s okay. Because no one seems to be truly okay anymore. And you have me as a friend. And I have you. Because you truly are one of my best friends.

Yet you’re still the only thing I can think about. All the “what ifs” and “maybes” are chasing the sleep away. It’s tearing me to pieces. And I can’t do anything without their incessant screaming and pounding in the back of my mind. I am falling to pieces in a way I never have before. And I don’t know how to fix it.

For the longest time I have let myself blame you not wanting me all on myself. And I’ve realised how stupid that was to do. I would constantly question myself. What did I do? Why am I not good enough? What should I have done to make myself worth it? What did I do to make you not want me? What did I do? What didn’t I do? What could I have done differently? What is wrong with me?

Did you ever want me? Could things be different? Am I not pretty enough? Not smart enough? How could you do this to me? How could you tear me down like this? What did I do to deserve this?

And for the longest time I thought I did deserve this. But I don’t. And I know you’re hurting but so am I. And I think that’s the hardest part, I think. Knowing that I am drowning in the depths of my own suffering and knowing that you are too. But you aren’t suffering because of me. You are suffering for entirely different reasons. And I don’t even think my absence would bother you. Where as your absence would break me in to pieces.

I just have one question to the universe. Why? But I don’t think I’ll ever get any answer. All I know is that I love you and you don’t love me and now  I have to move on. I don’t entirely know how to do it. But I know it must be done.

So maybe I’ll grow a little bit distant. And delete your nice messages from when I was sad the other day. Delete the screenshots of when I said it looked like you loved me in them. Let go of the hope. Let go of the maybes. Because maybe if I delete the hard evidence then maybe they would begin to fade from my memory too. (Wishful thinking.)

I hope I am right. That you fade away exactly the way I want you to. Well not you fade away. But the feelings. I would still love to be friends with you. But I can’t bare the rest of it. I can’t bare the pain. I just want to be myself again.

So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to move on. Because yes, I loved you in such a way that I lost myself trying to find you. But that doesn’t mean I’ve lost myself forever.

I made a mistake. No. I made a series of mistakes. It was a mistake to love you. And it was a mistake to think you could ever love me too. But I want you to know I’ll always still love you as a friend. And I’m not angry. I’m not bitter or resentful or vengeful. I don’t have anything against you. I just need to move on because it’s risking my sanity. (No seriously.) So I guess this is goodbye to this part of my life.

You hurt me. But I forgive you now. You broke me. And that’s okay. I’m putting myself back together and I am stronger because of you. And one day I will look back and realise you were nothing more than a step along my journey to becoming the person I am meant to be. One day, I will thank you.

So please don’t forget me. Because I will never forget you. And I do want to thank you for everything you have taught me and everything we shared. You will always be a blessing in my life and with this, I am now letting the feelings go. It’s about time I free myself from thoughts of what ifs and what could have been’s so I may as well start embracing the what else’s and what could be’s.

Goodbye my almost lover. I know we will always be friends. But if for some strange reason we drift apart. Please don’t forget me. Please don’t forget our memories. Please don’t forget our moments and our “love” and our arguments and us. And if you have children someday please point me out. When they point to the pictures, please tell them my name. Tell them how close we were. How much I meant to you. How much I changed your life.

Please remember our moments. Please remember me. I know I will always remember you.

I’m having the time of my life having you as a “friend”.

Goodbye my almost lover,

Cleo xxx (Your drama queen forever)

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