“When life has cut too deep and left you hurting. The future you had hoped for is now burning. And the dreams you held so tight lost their meaning. And you don’t know if you’ll ever find the healing. You’re gonna make it. You’re gonna make it. And the night can only last for so long. Whatever you’re facing if your heart is breaking. There’s a promise for the one’s who just hold on. Lift up your eyes and see. The sun is rising.”
I don’t know when one day will be. But it’s a day that I will look forward to. And a day I will also regret. Because on that one day I will be over you. I won’t want you anymore. I won’t want you the way I wanted you for so long. I won’t long for you the way I used to. You won’t be the every thought that consumes my mind. Even though it may have taken me a while, I will have moved on. And you’ll just be another story in my past. And maybe we will cross paths again and if we do it will hurt me to describe you as someone I used to know.
Because I always thought you would be so much more than that. So much more than someone I just “used to know”. I wanted you so badly to be the love of my life. But sometimes the things we want just don’t work out. And for some reason everything I gave and invested fell short. Nothing work out. And somehow I was the one left looking at my reflection in the mirror wondering why it was me that wasn’t good enough.
Something that took me a long time to realise is that sometimes your best will never be good enough if it isn’t the right person.
But what made it worse was that I swore you were. I would have bet my life on the fact that you were the one for me. On paper we were perfect. Our horoscopes matched perfectly. I would have banked on it. I let love blind my judgement as I invested time and emotions into someone who couldn’t meet me halfway.
But one day you’re going to wish you did.
I know that now. That one day you’ll see me looking at someone else the way I used to look at you. Laughing and smiling. Doing all the things I used to do with you. The only difference will be that the someone else probably doesn’t make me cry myself to sleep at night.
Maybe I won’t see you as you watch me across the room.
Or maybe we will bump in to each other and at first my heart will drop and race just like it did before. Our eyes will meet and I will catch my breath. I’ll wonder if you can still read me the way you used to. I’ll stand there as guilty as the feelings that have come rushing back without any control. But I won’t say I miss you. And I won’t tell you I
loved love you. Instead I will introduce you to the person right there next to me. And there will be a moment where you wonder if that could have been you. And my eyes will tell you that it should have been you.
It should have been you but I’m not going to blame myself that it wasn’t. The maybes and the one days and the confusion wasn’t getting us anywhere. It wasn’t getting me anywhere. It wasn’t what I needed and it wasn’t what I deserved. There wasn’t enough love that I could give you to make up for what you lacked.
So maybe you’ll look at me and even with me standing right in front of you, you’ll miss me. You’ll realise what I must have felt so many times before. Because I learned that the hardest way to miss someone is when they are right there not being what you need.
But more than missing me, you’ll miss the little things.
You’ll miss the conversations we had that only happened or continued when you wanted them to. You’ll miss someone being interested in you. You’ll miss being able to talk about yourself. You’ll miss the attention and the confidence that someone cares about you even when you couldn’t reciprocate. You’ll miss the calls you used to ignore. You’ll miss the pictures I used to send. You’ll miss being able to share my good moments and you’ll miss being the first to know when something good happened. You will just see it on a Facebook status or Instagram post instead. And you’ll miss hearing about the bad stuff too. Being the shoulder I could lean on or the hand I could hold when I needed it. You’ll ultimately miss being needed, wanted, loved.
You’ll miss the things I used to tag you in or share with you. The messages I used to send. The nice things that I would say to you that made you smile even when you were busy and didn’t say anything back. You’ll miss the snaps I answered a little bit too quickly. And you’ll wonder why I haven’t looked at your snap story first. You’ll wonder why I didn’t care to look at all. You’ll wonder where I am and who I’m with.
And maybe you’ll think about texting me. But you won’t. You won’t because even though you want to you know I deserve better than someone who had to lose me to realise my worth.
And the what ifs will creep up to you late at night. Just as they did with me. And just as I tossed and turned and wondered about you. You’ll do the same.
Maybe I’ll meet you in dreams that will haunt you.
Maybe then you’ll realise.
Maybe you’ll be lying next to someone you wish was me
Maybe you’ll build up the courage to check up on me.
Maybe you’re just wondering if I still care.
And I do by the way. I still care. I think that no matter how much time passes you’re someone I’ll always care for and love deeply. But I couldn’t keep putting myself through it. I couldn’t keep waiting hoping you would love me back. I played every best card I had trying to get you to. And what I finally realised was that it was never supposed to be that hard. But there was no doubt that I loved you.
I think sometimes you have to lose something to realise what you had. Well maybe in your case. But for me I knew what I was losing. But I had to move on anyway. Because I know love well enough to know that once it starts hurting it’s not the right love anymore.
And walking away is taking everything from me. Because getting over you will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Because just as there are moments where you miss me. There are moments you look for me in everyone else. I do that to. And I might be smiling and holding someone else’s hand. But there are times that I wish it was you.
But I couldn’t keep waiting, wishing and hoping while compromising my self-respect. I had to walk away. I had to stop trying. I had to fall out of love with you in hopes that maybe in my absence you’d learn to love me the same.
Sorry. But I had to.