Anxiety is the never ending feeling of not being enough. It’s restless nights of sleep as you toss and turn. Because you can never shut off your brain. And the thoughts. And your feelings. It’s the things you overthink before bedtime and it’s all of your worst fears becoming a reality once you close your eyes.
It’s waking up tired before you’ve even gotten out of bed. Anxiety is trying to learn how to function with sleep deprivation because it took until 2am to actually shut your eyes. And it’s failing to cope with it.
It’s every text when you have to think about what you’re putting. It’s a double or triple text when you’re scared you said something wrong or messed up. Anxiety is replying to text embarrassingly fast.
Or anxiety is putting off replying to a text because you can’t bring yourself to do it. It’s avoidance.
It’s the time you spend waiting for an answer to what you sent and wondering why they are taking so long to respond. Because why are they taking so long? Are they mad? What have you done? What stupid thing did you do this time?
Anxiety is having someone ignore you and having that kill you inside. Even when you tell yourself that they are probably busy and they will definitely reply later. Anxiety is that voice inside your head that says maybe they are deliberately ignoring you.
Anxiety is waiting. It always feels like you’re waiting.
It’s everything. It’s the inaccurate conclusions, it’s the jumping to conclusions, it’s the crazy ideas. It’s your mind taking off and you having no choice but to follow it’s destructive lead.
Anxiety is self-doubt and a lack of confidence both in you, yourself and those around you. Anxiety is wondering if you can actually trust anyone. Because they all seem to betray you.
Anxiety is ruining relationships before they even begin. It tells you that you are wrong and they don’t like you and they are going to leave anyway so you might as well push them away before they get chance to. So you jump to conclusions and ruin it.
It’s the constant state of worrying and stress and being on edge. It’s irrational fears. It’s thinking too much. It’s caring too much.
It’s a racing heart and shaking hands and shuddering breaths. But on the outside, no one can see it. You appear calm and at ease and smiling but underneath is anything but calm.
Anxiety is the art of deception for the people who don’t actually know you. But also for the people who do. It’s a constant stream of being told to relax or not worry or that you’re overthinking it. It’s friends listening to the conclusions you have jumped to and not understanding how on earth you got there so fast. But they’re there trying to support you, as things go from bad to worse in your mind.
Anxiety is wanting to fix something that literally isn’t even an issue. And it’s the stream of questions that make you doubt yourself. Did I lock the door? Did I shut the window? Did I turn my curling wand off?
It’s turning back around just to double check.
Anxiety is the fear of failure and striving for perfection. Then beating yourself up when you fall short.
It’s always needing a schedule or a plan. That you can never quite stick to.
Anxiety is that voice inside your head that’s telling you that you’re going to fail.
It’s trying to exceed people’s expectations even if you’re killing yourself to do so. Anxiety is taking on more than you can handle just so you are distracted and not overthinking something.
Anxiety is procrastination just because you’re paralysed that you’re going to fail. So you hold off from doing the thing completely.
It’s the triggers that set you off and stress you out.
It’s breaking down in private and crying when you’re overwhelmed but no one will ever see that side of you. Anxiety is picking up and trying again because the only thing worse than overcoming other people is overcoming you and your own demons.
It’s beating that voice inside you’re head that tells you that you fucked up and you should feel awful. And telling it no. It’s trying to overcome your fears. It’s being strong.
Anxiety is the need for things to be in your control because if something is out of your control, you feel lost. It’s trying so hard to be strong and to hold on to happiness.
And when you come across friends who begin to understand, they help you through it. Then you realise this might be a battle you face every day but it’s one you shouldn’t have to face alone.