I originally wanted to right this somehow hoping it would make me feel better. But I’m sure I will just end up in tears. I feel like up until now I was completely denying the fact that in September you will no longer live down my street. And then I’ll have to do this crazy thing called life just minus you.
Being best friends with someone for 15 years is something you hold on to forever. And when their presence, their constant familiar presence isn’t going to be there anymore. It kinda makes me want to shut down.
For some explanation, there’s a hollow void in the sky tonight. It’s swallowing us up and stealing our dreams. It isn’t expansive, but it is empty and everything we hope for gets lost within. The stars aren’t out tonight, but it is only me, cold and alone, who looks upon the great sea above me for answers. I know I’m going to be missing you and it is evident that this feeling will encompass every piece of me until, by some miracle of God, I am able to forget. Then and only then, piece by piece, will I be whole again. For without you, I am a broken puzzle.
Without you I am somewhat incomplete. You have been beside me (literally down the street) for 15 years. And the thought of not having you constantly round is tearing me apart. I never thought I’d see the day where you wouldn’t be a three minute (or as you say, three hour) walk away. Who will I run for the bus with or drive to school with or send deep quotes to or go to our special place with. Alone? Probably. Missing you? Definitely.
I imagine myself texting you and sending you snapchat’s to try and get some sort of grip on the new life that you’re going to be living without me. I imagine you so excited about your new life. I am beyond proud of you for getting in to the University you wanted to get in to.
I’m fighting back the jealousy because for one I am stuck at home without you. And for two you’re so spectacular it’s hard to not be jealous of you as a person.
So a few times a year I’ll see you. Nice to see you too. For me, the times I will see you, will always end too soon. Hate to say “Hello” because I know that it means “Goodbye”. Hate to ask, but what’s it like to leave me behind?
Because is this how it’s always going to be now? Millions of miles apart. (Or what feels like millions.)
So now will we just do everything on our own? I mean not on our own obviously. But without one another. What if you find someone else to text quotes to? What if you find someone exactly like me but who’s better?
I miss you and you’re still right in front of me. I miss you even though I have no doubt you will always be in my life. And I don’t quite know how to say how I feel. Because I just miss you. And those three words are said too much and not enough. Because we will both say it. That we miss each other. But what if overtime we still feel it and just don’t say it? And our once solid friendship slowly fades away until nothingness like so many friendships in the past.
But Hannah. Hannah Banana, Spam, Chicken. I believe our friendship could never drift in to nothingness. And I know we can never rely on forever. And we can never plan the future. But I feel certain on one thing in life and that is that I will always have you. And I don’t know where we will be in the world. But I know we will always be in each other’s hearts.
And maybe we won’t always message. And maybe we won’t do the things I have grown to love about our friendship. And maybe nothing will ever be the same. But maybe we can actually rely on this. And even if there is change, like you always say there is always a silver lining.
It feels like I’m losing something I can’t replace. I mean can it get any worse? You’re moving hours away. And of course I am beyond excited for you. But did you really need to pick somewhere so far from reach. But I just want you to know how proud I am of you. And I want to thank you.
Thank you for believing in me when I was too weak and exhausted to believe in myself. Thank you for pushing me, for always sending me inspirational quotes. Thank you for not judging me when I did something really stupid, but also thanks for telling me I was an idiot and probably shouldn’t have done the stupid thing. Thank you for always being honest.
Thank you for doing all the things a real best friend does; for letting me sob into your shoulder when I need to and sitting in silence with me when there aren’t any more words. Thank you for always knowing who I am and reminding me of that when I forget. Thank you for being genuinely concerned with the outcome of my life and always listening, even when you’re tired. Thank you for telling me the things no one wants to hear. Like you said, it helps even if you don’t want to hear it.
Thank you for being the gorgeous and hilarious person you are. Spending 15 years with you has been a true blessing I have never truly been thankful enough for. When I should have been. Your amazing fashion sense (that pink skirt tho) and your gorgeous hair have always been things I’ve been jealous of. But overall what has gotten me so jealous is how much of a genius you truly are. Wow beauty and brains what a fierce combination. No wonder you are truly such a superstar and so successful in everything you do.
So Han. I know this isn’t the end. And we still have summer anyway. But you know me, I get emotional way ahead of time. And I know nothing is ever going to change between us. We will always be the same giggly teenagers at heart. Whether we are 20, 30, 40 or 80.
I truly miss you already.
Take care and try not to worry too much,
(And text me)
Cleo xxx (You know)