It’s hard for me to talk to everyone around me.
It takes me a long time to trust people and once that trust is broken, it never really comes back. I’m terrified of sending emails. That sounds stupid. But I will sit there putting off sending something as trivial as “Can I come and see you tomorrow before lesson?” until it HAS to be sent. So I delete emails and avoid situations and I wait too long to answer back. But when I have replied I will sit there biting my nails refreshing the screen. And when the reply doesn’t come back straight away? I panic.
I’m even scared of texting certain friends incase I come on too strong. So once again I delete messages. I don’t let on that I care. But I care more than anyone actually realises. I care so much it hurts.
I come across as a bitch because I find it hard to talk sometimes. I find it hard to force a smile. But I’m not trying to be a bitch. And I’m not trying to look so moody. I’m just at war with myself. Trying to will myself to not go in to panic.
Sometimes I’m not a good conversationalist. I’m looking anywhere but your eyes. And it might seem like I don’t give a damn what you’re saying but I promise I do. I’m paying closer attention that you can imagine. Of course you don’t realise I have anxiety. You probably just think I’m being a bitch. Because who doesn’t pay attention when someone is talking? Because what normal person walks out a calm situation? What stable person literally has a conflict with their own mind? Who has to sit and will themselves to not burst in to tears?
No they don’t realise I have anxiety because I’m not showing any signs. I’m not shaking at the table. Or biting my finger nails. Or overheating. Or complaining of feelings sick. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel these things. It just means you haven’t noticed or I haven’t shown it.
As soon as I feel a panic coming on. I know how bad it’s gonna be. It could be over an exam or doing something I don’t want to do or something as trivial as sending an email. But when a panic is happening. I try to internalise everything. I try to minimise my physical symptoms to avoid drawing any attention to myself. But just because I can hide my shaking hands doesn’t mean I can control my mind.
I’m so anxious and I’m trying so hard to not show it. It’s a constant battle with myself. And if I need to compose myself I will run away to the bathroom. And heavy breathe and look in to the mirror and wonder what I can do to escape this. And I’ll splash water on my face because I’m so warm. And then I’ll walk out like I didn’t just have a meltdown in the toilets. Like I’m perfectly fine.
But I’m not fine. And the anxiety is making me hate myself. It makes me turn down opportunities that I know I’d enjoy. It makes me miss work. It makes me have a lack of sleep.
It makes me look like a complete bitch.
But that’s not true I promise. I’m just trying to get through the day. Get through the anxiety without just randomly bursting in to tears in front of you. I just want to feel like I belong. I just want to feel safe. I just want to be calm.
I just want to not have anxiety.