Anxiety is controlling my life

It’s hard for me to talk to everyone around me.

It takes me a long time to trust people and once that trust is broken, it never really comes back. I’m terrified of sending emails. That sounds stupid. But I will sit there putting off sending something as trivial as “Can I come and see you tomorrow before lesson?” until it HAS to be sent. So I delete emails and avoid situations and I wait too long to answer back. But when I have replied I will sit there biting my nails refreshing the screen. And when the reply doesn’t come back straight away? I panic.

I’m even scared of texting certain friends incase I come on too strong. So once again I delete messages. I don’t let on that I care. But I care more than anyone actually realises. I care so much it hurts.

I come across as a bitch because I find it hard to talk sometimes. I find it hard to force a smile. But I’m not trying to be a bitch. And I’m not trying to look so moody. I’m just at war with myself. Trying to will myself to not go in to panic.

Sometimes I’m not a good conversationalist. I’m looking anywhere but your eyes. And it might seem like I don’t give a damn what you’re saying but I promise I do. I’m paying closer attention that you can imagine. Of course you don’t realise I have anxiety. You probably just think I’m being a bitch. Because who doesn’t pay attention when someone is talking? Because what normal person walks out a calm situation? What stable person literally has a conflict with their own mind? Who has to sit and will themselves to not burst in to tears?

No they don’t realise I have anxiety because I’m not showing any signs. I’m not shaking at the table. Or biting my finger nails. Or overheating. Or complaining of feelings sick. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel these things. It just means you haven’t noticed or I haven’t shown it.

As soon as  I feel a panic coming on. I know how bad it’s gonna be. It could be over an exam or doing something I don’t want to do or something as trivial as sending an email. But when a panic is happening. I try to internalise everything. I try to minimise my physical symptoms to avoid drawing any attention to myself. But just because I can hide my shaking hands doesn’t mean I can control my mind.

I’m so anxious and I’m trying so hard to not show it. It’s a constant battle with myself. And if I need to compose myself I will run away to the bathroom. And heavy breathe and look in to the mirror and wonder what I can do to escape this. And I’ll splash water on my face because I’m so warm. And then I’ll walk out like I didn’t just have a meltdown in the toilets. Like I’m perfectly fine.

But I’m not fine. And the anxiety is making me hate myself. It makes me turn down opportunities that I know I’d enjoy. It makes me miss work. It makes me have a lack of sleep.

It makes me look like a complete bitch.

But that’s not true I promise. I’m just trying to get through the day. Get through the anxiety without just randomly bursting in to tears in front of you. I just want to feel like I belong. I just want to feel safe. I just want to be calm.

I just want to not have anxiety.


4 thoughts on “Anxiety is controlling my life

  1. You should be very proud of yourself for sharing such private details about your anxiety. I understand you when u talk about hating yourself, I suffer from this too. Plus I’m often a bitch. Don’t be so hard on yourself – easy to say but try to be easier on urself 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, I just feel so much better after writing about it that I thought it might help other people reading it. It is so hard to not be hard on yourself and I’m sure a lot of people find it hard and they just don’t want to admit it. (Don’t worry if you asked my close friends they would say I’m often a bitch too hahaha) 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve found blogging has helped me get it all out! If it’s out my head then it’s gone – well, kinda 🙂 I wish everyone would share and normalise the crazy. For me it really helps reading other people’s experiences. I’m mega hard on myself, I’m working on it, Reading posts like yours help me see that it’s not ‘me’ it’s my ‘crazy’ that’s the bitch. So thanks for sharing and keep at it 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I seriously have found blogging so useful too!!! It’s so calming for me to just sit and type everything I feel. I agree that it helps to read about other people’s experiences because then you don’t feel so alone. And that’s something I struggle with a lot. Thanks for reading and the lovely comments always 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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