There’s a certain way to be single and I certainly haven’t received the memo on how to be that yet. So you’re single? Welcome to hell. It’s been waiting for you. It’s a whole new life and you’re going to love it. So this is how to be single…or not.
1.Stay obsessed with your ex or your wannabe ex. Allow them to consume your mind and thoughts constantly. Because why not? It’s not like you could be out enjoying yourself and being single.
2.Stay at home instead of going out with your friends. Play the same old sad music and cry. Put on sad films. Watch sad videos. Write sad blog posts. And cry some more. Just full on feel really sorry about yourself.
3.Isolate yourself from the people around you. Don’t reply to people just let yourself feel more alone than ever before. Ignore the advice from friends and just sit in bed. Stare at the ceiling and wonder why it all ended up being like this.
4.Put on clothes and makeup to look good but not for yourself. or him. Kiss him even though you know their lips belong to someone else. Realise there is a sour taste in your mouth afterwards. Try to drown it away with alcohol.
5.Vow to move on but do anything but. Sit around and think about them. But also promise yourself you’re going to move on. Say to yourself you’re never going to kiss them again. Promise with every fibre of your body that you won’t.
6.Be self destructive. Don’t eat enough. Eat too much. Don’t wash your hair. Spend hours in the shower.
7. Change your mind on number 5.
8.Try and go out and get closure. Kiss them again and try to pretend it doesn’t feel like you’re on fire. Spend so much time wanting them back. Think for one moment that they want you too and lose your mind for a second. Become so obsessed with the idea of love that you completely lose yourself. Disappear.
9.Say you will act more like you’re single and go out with your friends. Go out with them. Leave early and get pizza on the way home.
10.Get back in bed and repeat.