When enough is enough

Wake up at 8am but stay in bed until 11 just because you don’t want to face the day quite yet. Drag yourself up when you’re so hungry you could faint. Eat something. Go take a shower and finally wash your hair. It was getting ridiculous that you had left it for that long without washing it anyway. Remember for next time that 6 days of messy bun hair wasn’t a good look. Stare at yourself in the mirror when you get out the shower and wonder how you became so broken. Wonder why you can’t manage a smile anymore. Wonder why you have such dark circles under your eyes when all you seem to do is lie in bed. Close your eyes and realise that enough is enough. Put oil in your hair to stop it from being the frizzy mess it usually is. Brush your hair and whilst you do that listen to an obnoxiously happy playlist on Spotify made for people who are the exact opposite of you. The super duper happy people. Put on an outfit that may still consist of leggings like your outfits have for the past few weeks but with a cute top you ordered the other day. Do a half smile when you look in the mirror and see that you don’t look completely awful. Look around your room and realise it’s as messed up as you are. Tidy it. Put the washing away that has been moved from bed to desk chair and then back again whenever you are in each of the two spots. Take down the mugs and glasses and plates from when you couldn’t face people and just needed to eat alone. Say hi to whoever is downstairs when you take them down. Try not to say a sarcastic comment back when they praise you for FINALLY getting out of your bedroom. Smile and walk away. Put your dirty washing in the wash bin which has just been shoved in the corner of your room. Try and find the energy to change your bed sheets. Fail. Lie in bed for a while. See you have a text from him asking if you have seen the new Grey’s Anatomy episode. Feel your heart sink just at the sight of his name in your notifications. Lock your phone and try to ignore it. Realise all over again that enough is still enough. Get up. Strip your bed of the dirty bed sheets and hope that it strips you of your sadness simultaneously. Pick out the brightest bed sheets you own and spend a little too long staring at your bare mattress before putting it on. Pretend the tears in your eyes are from the dust from your old bed sheets. Realise that dust doesn’t come from duvet covers. Look around at your newly tidy room and feel proud for a few seconds about how much you have accomplished. Then remember the text and feel your heart drop again. Sit on your bed and stare a little too long at the bright pink wall in front of you. Curse your old happy self for picking such a wildly bright colour. Feel tears fall down your cheeks but don’t even acknowledge it happening. Hear your phone go off again and look to see it’s your friend asking if you want to go out for some food later. Start to type out a text to say that you’re busy. Feel awful about the fact you’re pushing your friends away. Delete the text. Just choose not to reply for a while instead. Put fish fingers in the oven and then forget about them. Remember 45 minutes later and eat crispy fish fingers with ketchup. Wonder why you feel so alone when your sister is sat opposite you. Go back upstairs to where you left your phone and see you have texts from him and your friend asking if everything is okay. Reply to both positively and agree to go out for food and discuss that new episode with him. All while you still have tears in your eyes. Look in the mirror again and put some makeup on. Curl your hair. Put on red lipstick whilst you fake a smile. Take a selfie. Post it on Instagram. Wonder why you feel so down about yourself even when the picture is cute. Notice that he can make you feel so happy and so down at the same time. Realise for the third time in one day that enough is enough. That it’s time to stop. That it’s time to move on. Hear your phone go off again and it’s your friend saying that she is here. Feel happy for the first time today that you will see someone you love and get to sing along to Taylor Swift in the car. Know that you won’t have to fake the smile with her. Cry in the car. Eat pizza. Go home. Get in bed. Try and promise yourself that tomorrow is the day you will move on. Wake up tomorrow and repeat.


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