What to do when you lose the “one”

Lie in bed at night and listen to the traffic go by. And the noise of your laptop you accidentally left on. And your breath going in and out, in and out. Try to feel real. Try to see if you can hear the conversations of the people walking by. Wonder if those people are happy. Wonder if those people have someone to go home to. Wonder if they know what it’s like to feel so so so so alone. Stare at the ceiling a little too long. Silently wonder what you did to deserve all of this shit. Silently hope the ceiling caves in on you and kills you  so that he will see it and feel really really terrible for breaking your heart. But let’s be honest he is that oblivious he probably hasn’t noticed you love him anyway. Try to make yourself cry. Decide that you have cried enough tears over him to last you a lifetime. But another 5 minutes of tears won’t really change anything anyway. Exist for days like this, in this sleepless cycle that leaves you unable to participate in your usual 9 to 5 routine but wide awake the second it is an appropriate time to sleep. Feel sad for yourself. Have bad days. Have good days. Have a fight with someone for the smallest of reasons in an especially dramatic fashion. Write 6600 word essay texts pouring your soul out and laying everything out on the table. Delete those texts. Stop trying to speak to them. Stop talking about them. Try to forget their name. Try to forget that all you ever wanted was to be curled up next to them in bed. Promise yourself to forget everything because forgetting is safe and forgetting is strong and forgetting is all you can do. Develop a weird infatuation with drinking wine out of coffee mugs. Say it’s because you enjoy the handle on the mug because it gives you something to hold on to. Because that’s all you want right now. Something to hold on to. Curse their name when you are still thinking about them when you know you shouldn’t. Start to see the ghost of them after they leave on street corners, in crowds and even in your own home. Internally label yourself as haunted. Become paranoid you’re going to run in to them. Because you wouldn’t know what to say if you did. Kiss someone who isn’t them. Try and not to compare to them. Randomly cry one night and remember that this is what it feels like to exist in a world where that person you love isn’t there anymore. Keep existing. Stay up all night and try to remember what it was is like to feel like you can’t and won’t exist without them. Fall a little bit in love with it when you see the clock on your monitor change from 12:59 to 1 AM. Listen to the sounds of the cars whizzing past your house as you lie in bed and the bubble of the champagne in your coffee mug beside you. Remind yourself again that you’re still here.

You’re still here.


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