They say that when you’re trying to get over someone it takes half of the time that you were together to fully move on. So if you were together for a year, you have six months of living hell ahead of you. Four years, two years ahead of you. A month, two weeks. And so on. And if you were never properly together with this person and it was unrequited love then I would add another year on to whatever time frame it was. Literally.
So you mark the date on your calendar. The day six months from now when you should be fully “moved on”. You buckle yourself in for the ride towards healing that will end lead to you not caring anymore. Or that’s what you’re told. You will move on and you will let them go. You won’t dwell on it anymore and you will not obsess and you will get over it. You will be fine. You tick off each day on the metaphorical wall, counting down until the day when you’ll be “better”.
“I have 72 days and then I’ll be okay.”
“In three more weeks I will not miss you.”
“Tomorrow I will be fine.”
And then your day comes. The sun rises on that magical date when it’s been exactly half the length of your relationship so now you will not hurt. So it’s the day! You will don’t miss them! You don’t love them anymore! You don’t care anymore!
But… you still do.
Surprisingly enough (sarcasm) you don’t feel better. You don’t feel free. You don’t feel over it. You still miss them and you still hurt. It’s been days. Weeks. Months. Years. And it still doesn’t feel like your time is up. To you, it feels like it’s only been two seconds since it was over and they were gone. To you, no time has passed at all.
To you, the memory of them still feels fresh and new. It feels like it was yesterday.
So you run to your calendar and triple check you math. Because maybe you have another week or another 24 hours to go. Maybe you still have more time. Maybe tomorrow you’ll be fine. Yes! That’s it! Tomorrow you will be over it! You still have more time!
But then tomorrow comes and literally nothing is different.
And it’s the next day and the next day and the next day and it’s all still the same.
So many tomorrow’s come that you begin to lose count. You’re stuck in a cycle when the sun rises and sets and you are incapable of moving on, of moving forward. You look at yourself in the mirror and wonder if it will be like this forever. If this is just your new reality. If this is the world you’re destined to be stuck in forever.
You become convinced after too many “maybe tomorrows” that there is no tomorrow, and you will simply miss them forever.
But the thing is that when it comes to moving on there is on one size fits all way to do it. There is no recipe, no formula, no magical way that you can just wake up one morning and feel “better”, feel “cured”.
You can do so many things. You can google “How to get over someone” and “How to be me again” and read article after article wondering if this is the one that will change you. You read and you read until your eyes threaten to remove themselves from your body. You can go to a Yoga class and meditate and try to get to a place where you are your “best self”. (You’ll feel calm for about an hour afterwards and then it will all come rushing back.) You can do so many sun salutations that you end up giving yourself whiplash. You can fake it till you make it by plastering a smile on your face and repeating that you’re “fine” until your voice just gives out completely. You can give yourself an end-date, say, “This is the last day I will be sad,” and just blindly believe that will work. But reality is none of those things make you actually over someone.
The truth is that when you’re going to be over it. You will be over it. You can’t rush it because at the end of the day it will all come creeping back to haunt you. Because the simple fact is, is that if you haven’t moved on then you simply aren’t ready to.
It just means that you aren’t ready to face a world where you’re okay without them. You aren’t ready to exist as a me and not as a we. Or as a single instead of a couple or whatever the hell you were. You’re not ready to see the instances where they just weren’t right for you. And you just weren’t meant to be. You’re not ready to move on because you are so focused on the past and not the future.
And you know what? That’s okay.
It’s okay to feel how you feel even if “they” have dictated that you should be over it by now. It’s okay to not know when you’ll be free and have moved on. It’s okay to feel stuck and depressed even along a journey to find your best self. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to not be over it, it’s okay to NOT be okay.
Because one day, you will be. There’s no way to know when, but one day you won’t feel like this. One day you’ll wake up and not think, “Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow.” One day you’ll open your computer and instead of Googling “How long can I be sad about my breakup?” you just check your email with no expectations. One day you’ll meditate and not be fixating on them. One day you’ll say, “I’m fine” and mean it.
One day instead of looking at them and instead of seeing the center player in the plot line of your heartbreak, you’ll just see a person.
One day you’ll be over them. Promise.
And who knows. Maybe it will be tomorrow.