Will you just excuse me whilst I delete you from my life?
Just watch me whilst I resist the urge to double tap on your picture of you smiling that smile that made me slightly weak the knees just looking at it. Whilst I hit you with a read receipt but with no reply. Whilst I start talking to someone who looks like someone who looks just like you and wonder if he will hold me like you never did and if he will taste the same as you when I inevitably kiss him after I’ve drunk a few too many shots. Whilst I delete every message you ever sent me and delete photos from my Instagram where I look in love and you look happy.
Can you please just excuse me whilst I try and forgot that you ever actually existed.
Whilst I get a train to where you now live and don’t even tell you I’ll be there. Whilst I walk around silently hoping that I will run in to you but also deciding which way to run if I see you walking towards me. Whilst I prepare for that heart drop feeling and try not to remember the last time I saw you. And how I feel like I’m drowning whenever I do. Whilst I pretend I never wanted you and that I still don’t want you sometimes when I’m just in bed thinking about you.
Excuse me whilst I let you go and become someone else entirely.
Whilst I reinvent myself and change my hair and create a life that has no room for you in it. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. Whilst I try to tackle the you sized whole in my heart and seal it away from ever being hurt again. Whilst I delete messages and call history and leave group chats and fill myself with new things that have nothing to do with you and that I keep telling myself are so much better.
Excuse me whilst I decide life can go on without you.
Whilst I force myself to remember that I don’t need you. Whilst I message my friend and agree to both respectively move on from our past loves and heartbreak. Whilst I force myself to admit that I am stronger now, happier now, better now. Whilst I repeat over and over and over again in my mind that I don’t need you.
Excuse me whilst I live without you.
And by excuse me I really mean let me.
Please just let me.
Let me delete your number and not hear from you and eventually forget all about you. Let me not feel suffocated by you. Let me forget your middle name and your favourite food and the way you sleep so early it’s actually ridiculous. Let me move onwards and upwards and don’t try to yank me back down again with any “I miss you” messages. Or likes on any of my pictures. Because you know as well as I do that I would come running back. Let me remain silent and not talking about you even if you wonder if I care because it’s not your business anymore. Let me be.
Just let me be. Let me move on and let me go. Let me go the only way I know how.
Excuse me while I delete you from my life.
Because, really, it’s the only way I can think of to be okay.