A list of things I try to do instead of texting you

1.Actively ignore your snapchats and messages. Always be sure to never open them until they’ve been sitting there for at least an hour. (A minute).

2. Remind myself you don’t give a shit if I watch them or not and this overthinking is borderline pathetic.

3. Pick my nails. Wonder if it’s possible to ever have nice nails if you overthink every little thing to the point of overthinking about your overthinking.

4. Take baths. And then post subtle leg pics of said baths on my Snapchat story where I refresh to see if you’ve watched it. And you never seem to.

5. Take nudes that I never get to send to you. Examine my body inch by inch. Wonder if this body, this me, would feel the same sort of electricity being touched by you. Wonder what it would feel like if you did touch me.

6. Drink water. Go to bed early. Lie in bed and wait for my phone to light up with a notification from you. It never does.

7. Wake up in the afternoon. Wonder what you have done so far today without me.

8. Text my friends about you. Reminisce over how disposable you made me feel. Talk about things like “lack of emotional maturity” and “wrong for you” and “bad timing” until our thumbs get tired from typing out the cliches.

9. Show my friends your Instagram. Get mildly upset when they speak about the girl in your latest picture. The one who is so beautiful. Wonder if I’m less hot. Wonder if you’d still want me. Put too much thought into it.

10. Be insecure. Put my own self-worth on an unobtainable pedestal that’s only achievable by beating “best sex I’ve had in forever” or “running my own company”. Focus too much on it.

11. Masturbate. Feel apathetic about it. Feel anti-feminist for feeling that way.

12. Text someone exactly like you. In every way. Someone who embodies who you are but who loves me and would move mountains for me…but who I don’t love back. And who despite thinking for a moment I could, I never will.

13. Ghost him. Drop off the face of the earth. Feel again, apathetic about it.

14. Sleep too much. Feel groggy.

15. Not sleep enough. Consider texting you saying “Are you awake?” every time. Know you won’t be.

16. Go to text you. Rack my brain for something clever to say. Something to remind you that I’m a catch, and I’m “not like other girls”, and I’m deserving of your time. Something to make you want me. Something to make you remember why I’m me and I’m different and I’m special and I’m something better. Something to make you say, “I’ve missed you.”

17. Remind myself you don’t love me.

18. Sulk.

19. And then lather, rinse, repeat.

20.Text you anyway.


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