At first, your mind will work so so hard to forget that one person. Your mind will work overtime just to forget the mere existence of that person. This could be just because you want to forget about them completely. Or it could be because you want to mask the feelings of sadness or the constant worry that you just won’t be as good without them or that you’ll have trouble finding pure happiness without them. And of course, at first, this approach to forgetting them will work. But then all of a sudden it will all come rushing back. You’ll be sat with your friends and you will see a glance of someone who looks exactly like them out of the corner of your eye. And your head will swing to see if it is them. And it isn’t. Or you’ll be driving in the car on the way to wherever and their name will be everywhere. “—– Dry Cleaner’s” “—– Pizza Shop”. (Note to self: Fall in love with someone with a less common name). Or you’ll be blasting Spotify while getting ready for a girl’s night out and their old favourite song will come on and pulse through you as if your heartbeat is now suddenly controlled by the rhythm and the lyrics of a melody that once belonged to both of you.
You will start to miss them like you miss that shirt you can’t find but really want to wear. So you tear your room apart your room, your life, looking for it. You’re confused as to where it could possibly be. Because you swore you last put it there. And you could have sworn you saw it yesterday. But it’s gone and by the time you find it, by the time it finally enters your life again. It will be all wrinkly and full of dust. And you’ll have grown out of it by then. That’s for sure.
You can miss that person so badly that it physically hurts. The same way your body will ache and be overcome with a physical heaviness after you spend a little too long at the gym. Nothing you do feels okay anymore. You can barely eat, sleep, smile, breathe, without feeling a flash of pain that resonates deep down to your gut. That pain that threatens to make you feel it at the most unreasonable times. Such as when you really need to get out of bed in the morning but you really don’t want to.
You can miss the sound of their voice. And the way you could almost hear the sound of them smiling whilst you chatted on the phone.
Or the way they always texted you when something exciting happened.
Or how they used to send you song lyrics that they thought you would love or relate to.
You even miss the things you swore you never would. Like their terrible taste in songs. Or baby names. Or places to eat. Or how frustrated you’d get at them when they’d pick a fight with you because they just didn’t know how else to tell you the truth: that they missed you terribly so.
You will miss how well you knew them. How you could predict the exact defence they’d spit out half way through a heated argument. How many sugars they liked in their coffee and shakes of salt on their fries. How their eyes would bulge like mini hot air balloons when they were trying to tell you a lie.
You can miss the things about them that once drove you absolutely insane. The way they knew exactly how to get you irritated. Or how after you’d write them a text message saying how happy they made you, and they’d write back only one word. Back then it drove you so absolutely crazy that you once tossed your phone across the room into a pile of perfectly stacked books. But now, well, now you’d do just about anything to see their name pop up on your phone. To get that one word thanks or ok text message from them and actually feel something, anything, again.
You can miss the way they showed you that they cared about you in the smallest ways. Like when they would hug you for a little bit longer. Or be so excited to tell you something. Or want to spend time with you. Even the stupidest things like when they would say they believe in you or that they love the way you laugh.
And, you can miss someone more than you ever really loved them.
This I know to be absolutely true.