What to do when you can’t move on

Run yourself a bath at 6pm and accept the fact that you aren’t getting anything done tonight except feeling sorry for yourself. Forget to pay attention to the amount of hot water you’re putting in and end up stepping in to what feels like lava. Ignore the fact that your skin is screaming at you and just sit down. Hope that the version of you that will emerge after the bath will be better. Cleaner. Lighter. Detoxified. Less dramatic. Hope that whilst you exist for the next few hours, your mind won’t be hung up on the person you don’t want to think about. (You’re thinking about him now). Try not to think about how you are so hung up about them and how they aren’t hung up about you at all. Stare at the bubbles surrounding you. Remember that everything can be cleansed; even you. Think about what it’s like to be heartbroken, to still be heartbroken. Think about what they might be thinking. Okay stop. Don’t think about what they are potentially thinking, the hundreds of possibilities will drive you a bit insane. And by a bit I mean a lot. Close your eyes and think about what your name sounds like when they say it. Try to pinpoint the emotion you’re feeling because as much as you want to put Taylor Swift on repeat and sit and feel sorry for yourself, be heartbroken, be devastated. It’s not that simple. It’s not really sad, it’s not really anything. It just sort of is. Sit in bed and wonder why you feel so alone. Watch the hours pass by whilst you’re only illuminated by the laptop screen in front of you which has been playing Grey’s Anatomy constantly. Try to write something and then get infuriated when you just sound like the same dramatic bitch you always do. Try to make something. Try to do something. Try to be something that matters. Because in reality it feels like nothing matters. Realise how stripping of your soul it is when you come to terms with the fact that you care about them and they don’t care about you. Come to terms with the fact that promises aren’t forever. That you and him aren’t forever. Or maybe there was never a you and him. Realise that someone’s world will turn without you in it even though without them in your world, it feels like it’s stuck in slow motion. Crashing down around you whilst just continue to sit there. Why are you still sitting there motionless. You need to swallow whatever pride you somehow used to deem yourself as “The one that got away” and realise you’re not his “one” that you were probably never even an option. Read the entire Wikipedia article about the multiple universe theory and try to picture one where you ended up with them. But realise that as much as you’re obsessing, you can’t picture it. Because it never was. It was only in your mind. And that you wanted it so badly that you imagined it to be so much better that it could ever possibly be. That you don’t actually want him to be the “one”. That the amount of love you feel for someone doesn’t determine it’s reality, it’s magnitude. And that moving on from it doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. That it doesn’t matter. And realise, the fact that it doesn’t have to be something to be sorry over. That it’s worth moving past. That it’s okay. That it’s not really anything.

That it just is.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s