I said that I was moving on and letting you go on Saturday night (or months ago when I said I needed to get over you). This was after (I won’t lie) 3 glasses of wine and 3 emotional chats with friends later. But I was waiting for today to make it official. One because who does anything major on any day other than a Sunday; when you’re supposed to be doing last minute work. And two because I was absolutely and truly putting this off.
I have been so scared for so long to let. To move on. To stop loving you. And I’m going to say the truth now. I am scared to move on because when I do something I give my full effort. I am an all or nothing type of person. I will either do something fully or not at all. And I think that is why I have been putting off getting over you for so long because if I do it then I have to do it fully which means saying goodbye to all the what if’s and maybe’s. It means getting rid of all of the possibilities I ever imagined basically and I honestly feel so sad about thinking about doing that. Because you are all I have ever wanted and I feel like right now in this second that I will never want anyone as much as I want you. But I know I will because when I move on, I will be gone and I won’t feel anything like that towards you anymore. Because people like me are gone forever when we say goodbye. And that’s why I don’t want to get over you because it means saying goodbye to all the things I wanted and dreamed of and thought would happen in the past two years. And I don’t know how to do that.
But I have to do that. To be myself again. I have to let you go.
I don’t want to wish it was you every time my phone lights up. I don’t want to find old screenshots of our conversations. I don’t want to hear songs and think of you. And it’s not that I want to forget about you, because I don’t, not completely anyway. We are friends and I don’t want to lose you as a friend. But you became a huge part of my life. Too huge. You took over.
It’s about moving on. I have to move on. It’s about me not thinking of you every time something good happens and me not wanting to run to you with the news. It’s about me being able to handle all the good and bad on my own. It’s about me picking up my life and moving on without wondering what you’re doing with yours.
It’s letting go of the idea I thought I would spend the rest of my life with you. It’s leaving behind the traces of you that you imprinted everywhere. It’s being okay with being on my own.
It’s about being able to talk to you and talk about you and have someone mention you without my heart skipping a beat. It’s about not getting tongue tied and nervous about what you’re thinking about me. It’s about me actually not caring about what you do think of me. It’s about me stopping from looking so much in to every little thing you do. It’s about stopping deciphering text messages and your actions, trying to piece together reasons that I trick myself in to thinking you love me with.
I don’t want to get butterflies when you say my name. I don’t want to be tossing and turning over the thoughts of missing you. I want to sleep. I want to smile. I want to be happy.
I’m letting you go because I want to be happy. I want to be okay with the fact that someone else gets to spend forever with you. I want to be happy for you. I want to be okay with the fact that I won’t be waking up next to you. And that someone else is loving you.
I want to be healed. I want to be whole. I want to be happy by myself so that I can find happiness with someone new.
So, today I’m finally letting you go because you and I were never anything and holding on to you and all the possibilities of us is only hurting me. Today I decided I need to put myself first and leave you behind for good.
So I’m letting you go. I’m stopping loving you. I am moving on.
Take care and try not to worry too much,