Rock bottom

“Remember that just because you hit rock bottom doesn’t mean you have to stay there.”

I feel it again. That soul crushing feeling that knocks me back to rock bottom when I had just climbed back up from it. That feeling where I feel like I am suffocating in sadness. Like I am drowning and no one notices, as I just sink further and further down under. And everyone is oblivious.

Recently it’s just been one bad thing and then another and another and another and another. (And you get the picture.) And I’m starting to wonder how much more I can take. How many more times I can drag myself up from rock bottom. How many more times I can get out of bed in the morning. How many more times I can do this. Because I’m starting to doubt my strength.

It’s almost unbelievable to me how much bad has come of May when we are only 11 days in. It’s been one thing after another and it’s actually indescribable how bad I feel right now.

It’s starting to get a little bit too much.

I’m starting to see the weakness. My mind is taking a little bit longer to concentrate on work again. And it’s taking me a little bit longer to fall asleep. And it’s getting a little bit harder for me to not just randomly burst in to tears. And it’s getting a little bit more difficult for me to stop the thoughts in my head from driving me insane. The overthinking, the sadness, the pain.

I’m starting to struggle. But I’m trying. I’m really trying but my friends are sad too and I’m trying to be there for them and I feel guilty for feeling sad too when their situations are worse and I have a mock exam tomorrow that I haven’t revised for and a real exam on Monday that I feel scared for and the person I love doesn’t love me and I haven’t eaten healthily today and I have a headache and I always try to look out for everyone else but this time I don’t think I can anymore.

For the best part of a year. I’ve been struggling. Sometimes I’m struggling for the regular old problems that constantly torment me but more recently new problems have arisen. And I keep saying that I just need to go one day at a time and it will get better. But when it’s once again another bad day it gets to the point where I’m not sure what I can do to make it better. But I need to know.

I need to know what I need to do to feel better. Happier. Stronger. Because it’s starting to get ridiculous now. It’s not healthy for a person to struggle to get out of bed. Every single day. And I don’t mean struggle because you stayed up too long chatting on the phone or just want an extra few minutes sleep. I mean legitimately cannot find the energy to survive another day feeling like this. Feeling like there is no way out of the rock bottom I seem to have hit once again.

I’m sorry. I know I usually try to end blogs with a happy ending. A magical “oh I’m sure I’ll be better tomorrow” or “I will be happy again soon”. But today it’s not going to be like that. Because I don’t see an end to it. The sadness. And god do I wish I could.

I’m struggling. My friends are struggling. Everyone is struggling. Wow May is turning out to be an utter shit month.

Take care and try not to worry too much,

Cleo xxx


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