I broke my own heart

“I can’t control my feelings. I can’t control my thoughts. I’m staring at the ceiling wondering how I got so caught. You’re completely off limits for more reasons than just one. But I can’t stop. You’re aware of my existence but you don’t know I’m here. You’re the centre of attention. You control the atmosphere. You’re so busy being busy, I don’t want to interfere. But I can’t stop. So I’ll remain within you reign. Until my thoughts can travel somewhere new. My mind is blind to everything but you. And I wonder if you wonder about me too. If you were to stop talking I don’t know what I’d do. The future’s far less daunting, walking in to it with you. So drink until you can’t think and pretend I’m what you chose. Because I can’t stop.”

I literally broke my own heart. Literally. It was nothing to do with you. Okay. Maybe it was a little. But mainly me.

I’ll take full blame regardless. Because at the end of the day I’m pretty sure you have legitimately no idea that I feel like this anyway. I’m heart broken. And now I’ve accepted that I feel like this; I can’t believe how stupid  I was before.

I was blind. Stupid. Naive. I can’t believe I was such an idiot. I let myself create this entire dream world in my mind where you did love me like I loved you and we would live happily ever after. How could I be so stupid? This dream world had the same amount of possibility of happening as pigs flying. Literally.

I still managed to trick myself though. Allow myself to continue thinking that maybe you did love me, maybe you did want me as much as I want you, maybe you just hadn’t found the courage to tell me yet, maybe we were so close to the happy ending I had always dreamed of. I feel like we were so close to that happy ending I could almost feel the happiness and smiles and laughter. Until it was ripped away so quickly before I could even feel it completely.

Why has it been a year? Why do I still feel the same after all that time? Why am I still clinging on to the tiniest of possibilities when I could be moving on to bigger and better things? But are there even bigger and better things for a person like me? A person who always seems to be having bad things thrown at her.

You made me think that maybe you could love me. And I clung to that tiny possibility so tight as if I was clinging on to a rope swing so tight so I wouldn’t fall in to the river below. I was swinging and slipping down the rope at the same time. The rope was burning my hands as I slid down; ripping away parts of me as I fell. And god did I fall. Right in to the river; drowning.

I tricked myself so easily in to thinking that you did love me. But it’s go to the point where I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I couldn’t spend any more time thinking that it would all work out and it would all be amazing.

When it comes down to it. I broke my own heart. You never gave me any false hope and never gave me any signals that should have left me thinking I could have a chance. I basically made it all up in my head. Sure. You were flirty. We get on well. You care about me. But I would be foolish to think that you love me. I would be foolish to carry on with this dream world. I would be foolish to keep on wishing.

I keep allowing myself get to the point where I just sit and think of you. And I wonder if you wonder about me too. When I know you don’t. But in my mind it’s a possibility. I’m getting so tired of wondering if you love me. WHEN I KNOW YOU DON’T.

How have I let myself got to this point of overthinking? I guess I am still a fool. I wonder if I always will be. I wonder if I will always feel like this. I wonder if you could ever love me. I wonder. I wonder. I wonder.

Take care and try not to worry too much,

Cleo xxx


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