Long gone and moved on

“I feel like I’m moving in slow motion. Like I’m moving in slow motion and everything around me is moving so fast and I just want to go back to when things were normal.”

When’s the day I’ll start again? When the hell does “you’ll get over it” begin? When will I wake up and not feel a whole lot of pain? When will I close my eyes and not see your face?

I’m looking hard in the mirror and wondering how I ended up like this again. How every single time I say “from this moment on, I’m changing the way I feel” and then I’m just back in this place again. And again. And again.

It gets under my skin to see you with her. And when it’s not me that you’re with. I don’t know why I’m so bothered. But I am. I feel like I am falling apart when I’m not around you or when I see you around other people. So how do I pick the pieces up? I’m barely used to just referring to the situation as “me” instead of “us”.

I still wear the scars like it was yesterday. But you’re long gone and moved on. So why am I not? It’s gonna be hard, to change the way I feel. It’s gonna be hard because I have to want to heal. But I need to get real.

No. I can’t keep thinking that you’re coming back. No. Because I literally have no business knowing where you are and what you’re doing. Even though I want to know. I feel like I need to know. Just to give me some peace of mind.

I feel irrelevant. We are becoming strangers once again. But maybe that’s all we ever were? Do you know how it feels to love a body made of steel? Because I feel like I am giving everything with nothing in return. I feel like I am running marathons whilst you’re still standing still. And I’d be anything for you. Anything. But I will never quite fit what you want.

You’ll be fine without me. Like I said. You’re long gone and moved on. Where as you consume my thoughts. And I’m not sure that I’m in yours at all. The worst part of it all is that I still want someone who has never wanted me. Because I’m only your everything when you feel alone.

I’ve forgotten about everything else. It’s all you. I feel like I have forgotten about my own achievements, my own success, my own excellence. Because I was too concentrated on yours. I need to remember I still am my own person. I’m trying to be my old self again. But I can’t seem to find her.

So. Gone are the days where I’d cling to you. Because who the hell are you for the hell you’ve put me through? I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t watch myself slowly fade away in to nothingness.

From this moment on I’m changing the way I feel. No seriously this time I am. (Well. Let’s see.)

Take care and try not to worry too much,

Cleo xxx


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