Clean

“The drought was the very worst. When the flowers that we grew together died of thirst. It was months, and months of back and forth. You’re still all over me like a wine stained dress I can’t wear anymore. Hung my head as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm. Rain came pouring down when I was drowning. That’s when I could finally breathe. And by morning gone was any trace of you. I think I am finally clean. There was nothing left to do when the butterflies turned to dust that covered my whole room. So I punched a hole in the roof. Let the flood carry away all my pictures of you. The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud but no one heard a thing. 10 months sober I must admit, just because you’re clean don’t mean you don’t miss it. 10 months older, I won’t give in. Now that I’m clean I’m never gonna risk it. Rain came pouring down when I was drowning. That’s when I could finally breathe. And by morning gone was any trace of you. I think I am finally clean.”

It’s never been more apparent to me how difficult it is for people to feel like they are okay and feel like they aren’t damaged. We see everyone around us with their perfect lives. We look at their Instagram and Facebook and the happy pictures they post everywhere whilst we sit at home; alone. We scroll through the highlight view of other people’s amazing lives. And we wonder why we aren’t that happy or why we don’t feel as good as they feel. But we don’t see the highlight view of our amazing lives, all we see is the behind the scenes of our lives. We see every single moment from when we wake up and look in the mirror and think “oh god this isn’t a good hair day”. We see our doubts. We see our fears. We see our concerns. We are the only one’s inside our own brains so we get the full behind the scenes view. The view that isn’t shown on Instagram where we look so happy and isn’t shown on shared photos or online. We feel all of our anxieties and the voices that tell you to overreact or that you’re not as good as everyone around you. And that you never will be.

Let me tell you. Of course, people are mean to each other. But no voices are as mean as our own voices are to ourselves. Everyday when we look in the mirror we stare at the “imperfections” or what we see as imperfect. Our eyes slide straight to them because they seem to stick out to us. We miss the beauty or the amazing hair we have or the cute outfit or the spectacular brain. We miss all the good things. Our mind tells us all the things that we aren’t. That we aren’t hard working enough or pretty enough or smart enough or selfless enough or happy enough or special enough or wanted enough. But we are. Of course we are. We are beautiful and smart and spectacular and loved and wanted and happy. We are so wanted by every single person who loves us.

We are not somebody else’s opinion of us. We are not “going nowhere” just because we aren’t where we want to be just yet. We are not damaged goods just because we have made mistakes.

We are beautiful. We are our own definition of beauty. And no one else’s. We are wiser and stronger and better because we have made mistakes in our lives. Not damaged. We are going through our own battles every single day. Fighting our own ghosts. Trying to cover our own scars. Stressing about our own stresses.

I’ve realised it’s not about being perfect. Or even feeling perfect. Or even feeling 100% happy. Because I have spent too long being worried about not being happy enough. I think sometimes it’s all about just getting on with things. And after a while you look around and realise you’re happy today. And that’s all that matters. Not the past, not the future. The present. Today.

If you get rained on and walk through a bunch of storms. Lose a friend, experience a break up, lose your job, fail your a levels, not get what you wanted, feel like you’re losing yourself. And it feels like life is constantly coming at you. That doesn’t make you damaged. It makes you clean.

“Rain came pouring down when I was drowning. That’s when I could finally breathe. And by morning gone was any trace of you. I think I am finally clean.”

Take care and try not to worry too much,

Cleo xxx

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