“I don’t know what living a balanced life feels like. When I am sad, I don’t cry I pour. When I am happy, I don’t smile I glow. When I am angry, I don’t yell I burn. The good thing about feeling in extremes is when I love, I give them wings. But perhaps that isn’t such a good thing cause they always tend to leave. And you should see me when my heart is broken. I don’t grieve. I shatter.”
Everything I do or feel or experience is always so intense, so extreme.
It’s fun but it’s exhausting. And also slightly embarrassing that I can’t do anything without making it seem like such a BIG deal. Literally any single little thing that is different will send me in to meltdown mode. And as much as that’s just who I am as a person, always high energy and excited, it’s starting to get a little infuriating to live with if I am honest.
I mean if someone is potentially angry with me then my whole world will crash. I will go out of my way to try and speak to them or sort it out and this can usually (always) make the situation so much worse. Because I don’t know how to calmly sort something out and it always end up with me yelling or being angry back for no reason. My thought processes when someone is annoyed at me is that I am the worst person in the world. Everything I have become is unbearable. I am awful. I must change. I always make it so much in to some sort of vendetta against me when it could be the smallest thing they are annoyed at or even nothing at all.
If I like someone I am obsessed with them. They MUST adore me the way I adore them. Or I literally cannot cope. This has to be the start of something whether it’s friendship or more whether they want it to be or not. It must be. I need them in my life because there’s just something that I like about them so they have to like me too. I know. I am absolutely ridiculous.
If someone gives me advice I will hold on to it as if they have given me their first born child. I treasure it, I research it and I hold it with me for years and years to come. I decide this will be the new thing that will change me, that will make me a new me, that will finally make me a better person. (But I never really seem to stick to it as much as I try.)
If I say goodbye to something in my life I will mark it as a MAJOR thing that has happened to me. A giant chapter. A pillar of experience. A life changing event. I mourn it as if a part of me has died. And it could literally be me finishing the end of a notebook. Literally.
If I get a few extra hours sleep I will literally act like I have done something SO LIFE CHANGING, SO AMAZING that I can’t quite handle it. I mean bloody hell I only got an extra 70 mins if that. I need to take a chill pill.
That’s the thing about me. I don’t know how to handle things. I am being literally serious when I say I can’t just be normal, I can’t just be chill, I can’t just be medium. I am always going full steam ahead or I am a zombie. I will either have the highest of the highs or the lowest of the lows. If I am sad it will feel like the whole world is ending whereas if I am happy I will feel like I am the sun. If I am angry it will be like I am throwing fire but if I love then it will be like I am showering the person with rainbows and gold. I am the sunshine or I am the rain clouds and there is no in between. Sorry. Actually no I’m not going to apologise for being myself.
Why does everything have to be so intense, so ridiculous, so dramatic, so magnified. I mean don’t get me wrong; it’s fun. Sometimes I feel like I am living at high speed where things affect me so fast and I am just spinning round and round seeing it all in flashes. But. Come on. It’s a little embarrassing for me to be SO affected by anything literally anything at all.
HOW AM I THIS DRAMATIC. HOW DO I LET SUCH SMALL TINY THINGS AFFECT ME TO THE CORE. HOW DO I LIVE LIKE THIS.
Take care and try not to worry too much,