feelings · First Love · Heartbreak · Uncategorized

An open letter to the boy who led me on

“I always get myself in to this mess. I always let him tell me I am beautiful and half believe it. I always jump thinking he will catch me at the fall. I am hopelessly a lover and a dreamer and that will be the death of me.”

Dear you,

I’d like to start off by saying I’m not angry. Or mad. Or dramatic. (As those are three things you regularly described me as.) I’m frustrated more than anything else. You were someone I had high hopes for. I planned a whole future in my mind and really looked forward to memories I would make with you. I’m frustrated because I truly thought you were “the one” and as stupid as that sounds, it was still what I felt. (And in all honesty is still what I feel now.) It just angers me how one minute everything makes sense and in a split second it can all fall apart. Literally.

I think I care about you so much more than you realise. I just wish I could be everything that you wanted. I really really do. I wish you felt the connection with me that I feel with you. I wish you didn’t let me think you felt it. I wish you didn’t let me think you cared about me. I wish you didn’t let me fall in so deep. I wish a lot of things, but I mostly wish for you.

Not a day (hour) goes by without me thinking of you. You were are so important to me. You really have changed my life upside down. You made me want to become a better person.

“The next time you have your coffee black you’ll taste the bitter state he left you in. It will make you weep but you’ll never stop drinking. You’d rather have the darkest parts of him than have nothing.”

So now it’s really hard for me to not come to you when I have exciting news that I want to share, or if I want to have a good cry, or if  I just want to talk. It’s really hard trying to be distant, trying to stay away from you, trying to not be around you. It’s really hard trying to not have you in my life anymore.

It was so easy for my feelings for you to change from friendship to more. And it was so easy for me to believe that you felt the same. And I guess it was easy for you to let me feel like that. I guess it was easy for you to be flirty and do things that would make me feel like our friendship could be so much more. The lingering glances, the suggestive messages, the random acts of affection. The kisses.

So when it suddenly dawned on me that our friendship was really just a friendship to you. I will be honest with you, I felt like I had been stabbed. I think it took someone that I’m close to, to point it out to me. That’s when I actually realised. That you don’t love me. All that time allowing myself to think “what if”. Allowing myself to create this stupid idea in my mind that maybe you did actually love me. When my friend pointed it out so blatantly that you didn’t. Well that’s when it hit home.

“I didn’t leave because I stopped loving you. I left because the longer I stayed the less I loved myself.”

So right now. I sit breathless. I’m trying to piece together what happened. What happened to us. What happened to who I used to be. I look in the mirror and all I see is a blank expression staring back at me. The tears fall and I don’t even register it anymore.

I don’t know how it came to this. I truly don’t. I have spent so many hours questioning what I could have done differently. But in all honesty I don’t think I could have done anything.

You led me on. Whether you meant to or not. You did. And I don’t know how long it will take me to get over this. And I don’t know if I ever will. And I don’t know how well our friendship will survive this. And I don’t know how well I will survive this. I just don’t know.

Sincerely,

The girl who thought you loved her

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