Moving on???

“You were the most beautiful thing I’d ever felt. And I was convinced you’d remain the most beautiful thing I’d ever feel. Do you know how limiting that is? To think at such a ripe young age I’d experience the most exhilarating person I’d ever meet. And I’d spend the rest of my life just settling. To think I’d tasted the most natural rawest form of sugar and everything else would be refined and synthetic. That nothing beyond this moment would add up. That all the years beyond me could not combine themselves to be sweeter than you.”

Sometimes it’s nice for me to know that maybe I will have better than you. It’s not all about you. In the future I could have someone so much better, so much nicer, so much funnier, so much more lovely than you could ever be. I could have someone who loves me more than you could ever love anyone. Isn’t it nice to think of the potential future; the potential of different situations and feelings than those that you are experiencing right now?

I am definitely someone who has their heart on their sleeve and their feelings on their face. I can’t help but show anything I am feeling. It’s just who I am. But the fact that I have allowed myself to think I will never feel like this for anyone but you. Well that’s just selling myself short. I am barely 18 years old; I can’t just expect that I have met the love of my life in that short time.

Yes. For some people they do find the love of their life in this short time. Those are the lucky ones. The one’s who will probably miss out on a lot of heartache and trouble. But I know. I know that I haven’t. Of course, I love you. And it (at this point in time) is literally tearing me apart. But that doesn’t mean it always will. I can’t limit myself to just you. I want to. I want to be around you, be in love with you, be loved by you forever. But I know one day (hopefully soon) I won’t want that anymore.

I wish I could kiss you again. And it goes round and round in my mind about how if I kissed you one more time that things would be different. But IT WOULDN’T. I’m not saying it will never be different. I’m just saying right now in this second, this moment, it’s not going to be different. I can drive myself insane, being in denial about the fact that I still love you. Or I can accept it. Accept that maybe I do love you and maybe it is tearing me apart and maybe it is slightly ruining my life. But there’s nothing I can do about it. Nothing at all.

And it’s not like I don’t deserve you. I’m not going to let myself think I don’t deserve you anymore. Because I do. I’m not a genuinely bad person. I’m okay. I have good hair and I try to make people laugh as much as possible. I make you laugh. And I know you do care about me. And I’m not going to let myself think I don’t deserve you anymore because I would. I deserve to be happy and in my mind you are what would make me happy. And I think that’s what is tearing me apart the most. I see it, the people around us see it, but you don’t. And even with an unlimited amount of 11:11 wishes, fingers crossed, coins thrown in a wishing well. It’s not going to change how you feel.

You had have my whole heart, you really did do. But I can’t limit myself to just you. Because that’s ridiculous. I’m so young and maybe you don’t deserve me as much as I want you to. I’m not going to be down about myself anymore because I am proud of what I have become, how much I have grown up in the past year.

I’ve been limiting myself. Telling myself that I didn’t deserve to be with you, that I didn’t deserve to be happy, that I would have ruined you. But you were the one who ruined me. And I’m not bitter about that anymore because I let myself be ruined, I let myself get to the point where I didn’t even believe I was strong and beautiful and someone who is powerful enough to stand up and have her own voice, her own opinions, her own life. Because my life shouldn’t revolve around you. It’s so so dangerous to rely on someone else for happiness, for light, for love. And I did that. I let myself become so besotted with you that not speaking to you, not being around you, not getting attention from you, truly drained me as a human being.

I had become an empty shell. And I am so tired of feeling tired. I am so tired of feeling worthless. I am so tired of feeling like I didn’t deserve you, when I did. Because why wouldn’t I deserve to be loved by someone I loved. Why wouldn’t I deserve to be happy. Why. Why. Why.

I refuse to let myself be in denial about loving you. Because when it comes down to it; I AM. I’m so in love with you that it’s legitimately ridiculous that I ever thought I could be over you. But I can’t limit myself to just you. That would be allowing myself to not experience life, to not experience more love, to not be happy.

I want it more than anything. To be happy.

So maybe I will move on. Maybe it will be tomorrow or maybe it will be in a month or maybe it will be in a year. But I’ll do it. Because loving you has limited me. Loving you has changed me. Loving you has ruined me. But I won’t let it ruin me anymore.

Take care and try not to worry too much,

Cleo xxx

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