“It felt like you threw me so far from myself. I’ve been trying to find my way back ever since.”
I will tell you exactly what some people are like. Some people will go out of their way to make sure that they give you just enough attention for you to not walk away, for you to not realise you deserve better, for you to stay under their spell long enough for them to ruin you. It’s like they know they are hurting you but they still want you. But not “want you want you”, just want you enough to make sure you don’t run as fast as you can away from them, away from the hurt.
So when they are sure you are under their spell and when they are sure that you’re in to them enough that you would do anything, anything for them. That’s when they change. It starts off slowly. They don’t text back as often and they never ever text you first. They don’t check in on you anymore and they barely speak to you at school. It’s all about them if they speak to you. You are the person they go to if they need help. So you feel needed. And who doesn’t like to feel needed, wanted, useful. Until you’re left at 2am sobbing, wondering why they can’t be useful when you need them. Why they don’t seem to care anymore.
And you’re still the one left feeling like you’re losing something you won’t be able to replace. And you’re still the one left feeling like this was all your fault. And you’re still the one who feels like you can’t escape from them. Because they are always in your thoughts. And when you look in the mirror it’s like they are staring back at you. Because when they touched you, it’s like part of them sunk in to you. Sunk in to your thoughts, sunk in to your entire being.
“You leave. But you don’t stay gone. Why do you do that. Why do you abandon the thing you want to keep. Why do you linger. In a place you do not want to stay. Why do you think it’s okay to do both. Go and return all at once.”
They let you love them. And god do you love them. But they don’t have any intention of loving you back. But they don’t want you to move on and they don’t want to see you happy with someone else. Because you’re theirs and they do love you but not enough to want to be with you and not enough to set you free.
Because they want you around. But they don’t want you. Of course they want you when they need you. But when you need them. God when you just need them for one stupid second of their lives. It’s just too much for them.
You just want to sob. Because they don’t look at you the way they used to. They don’t love you the way you thought they did. The way they promised they did.
“No, no you don’t get it. Loving someone that doesn’t love you back is one thing. Loving someone who you think loves you back, then finding out they never did is a completely different thing. It crushes you. You think everything is great, and you’re so happy, then everything is ripped right out from underneath you. It hurts like hell and you’ll never get it until you experience it.”
You thought you were getting what you wanted. But now it’s just all wrong. Everything is just so wrong. And you don’t know who you are anymore. Because everything is different everything just feels different.
But is it love if you feel like this afterwards. Like you’re drowning and the one person you want to notice doesn’t. But of course they are still around. They don’t leave you long enough for you to be able to break free from their curse.
But you don’t want pity from them. You don’t want pity. You just want what is yours. Your mind, your soul, your spirit. You want them back. Because they took them from you the second they looked in to your eyes.
You’re not the same person anymore. And you don’t think you ever will be. You’re just trying to be your old self again. But you can’t find it, you can’t be your old self. Because you’re different and you will never be the same again.
But is that really a bad thing? They changed you. But once you get over them. Maybe the change will make you in to someone who would never be like some people. So you would never ruin someone else whilst you pretend to love them. So you would never be like him.