Change is everything

“Change…We don’t like it, we fear it. But we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. It hurts to grow. Anybody who tells you it doesn’t, is lying. But here’s the truth: Sometimes, the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Sometimes…change is everything.”

Hmm. Where do I start? I’ve been putting off blogging for at least an hour now. Because I feel sad. But I know that I will feel better after I blog. But I’m too sad to blog. So I’ve been dealing with this cycle of do I, don’t I for the past hour or so. But I’ve eventually put pen to paper (hand to keyboard) and now this blog post will finally commence.

So anyway. Today has been a good day. A really good day. Those days where you finish your period, you wash your hair, your hair curls really well, you have your favourite food for lunch, you get your work done, your room is tidy, you talk to your friends and then you get to spend time with family. It’s all happy happy happy. It’s the definition of a good day because everything went good and you did things that normally would put a smile on your face in a second. And it did! And you did have a good time! And for the full day you didn’t think about the things that can make your mood drop in 0.5 seconds. I mean until about an hour ago and now here you are; sad again.

I’m sad because here I am again thinking of things I can’t control. I swear I spend the majority of my time thinking about stuff that I can’t actually change or control or stop from happening. Because things happen that you don’t want to happen or things happen in a way you completely didn’t expect. That’s life. And god knows why I still stress about it, but I do.

I’m totally one of those people who is completely terrified of change. I go out of my way to try and stop it from happening. And maybe even doing that is causing change. Who knows. Change. I don’t like it. I mean I don’t really like the situation I’m in right now but still the thought of change, difference, alteration. Well I could seriously go in to meltdown mode just at the thought of it.

And I am in it. (Meltdown mode I mean.) I’m totally freaking out over the future and I don’t even know why. I can’t control it and I can’t change it. It’s happening. I’m growing up as I speak (type). And as much as I want to know what’s going to happen in the future, I don’t.

These internal meltdowns I keep having need to stop. Seriously. I am totally freaking out over things I literally cannot do ANYTHING about. And I don’t even just mean the future. I mean those things that you see that make your heart literally stop for a second and you just stare at what you just saw with that feeling. The feeling where you just feel empty, numb and you just can’t breathe for a second. It’s like your whole body is just like “why” and is questioning why you just saw that and now consequently why you feel like you could just breakdown.

I’m so tired of allowing myself to get to that point where you just have to sit and feel overwhelmed by that feeling. The feeling where I will just sit and feel completely empty; unable to speak to anyone about it because I don’t want to bother them or worry them. So I just sit and think and then of course that makes it worse. Overthinking is an actual killer. I’m positive that anything we can think of in our minds; is probably a lot worse than anything in reality.

I guess I can’t overthink and dread change forever.

Eventually I will realise that change is what makes you grow. If things never changed then life just wouldn’t be exciting. Sometimes things change for the better and sometimes it may feel like things are changing for the worst. But they aren’t. Everything always works out in the end. And seriously; a little change never hurt anyone.

Take care and try not to worry too much,

Cleo xxx

 

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