“When the lights go down. At the end of the day when this game that I play, has gone another round. As I lay there alone on this big empty bed. With nothing but thoughts of you in my head. I think of the things that I wish I had said, when you were still around. When the lights go down and there’s nothing left to be. When the lights go down and the truth is all you see.”
Anyone can seem like they are put together and okay and doing well. Because you’re with your friends and you’re acting completely normal. And you’re smiling! You’re happy, Or so it seems.
And maybe your friends do notice but when they ask and you say “I’m okay” or “I’m working on it”, maybe they believe you. Or maybe they just don’t want to intrude and maybe you don’t have the heart to tell them how bad it is, how bad you actually feel.
You’re so tired, you’re just so tired. But. You can eat and drink and touch things and see things and talk to people and smile and laugh and breathe and sleep. So you should be okay. But why are you not?
And here you are again at 2am and you don’t quite know what’s wrong or if there actually is anything wrong. But you’re crying. Those tears where one second you’re fine and then the next you have the overwhelming feeling and then your cheeks are wet. The tears are streaming and you’re silently wondering why you feel so alone.
Anyone can feel fine in the day time. It’s when you’re alone and it’s night time and you should be sleeping but you’re not. It’s the end of the day and you can’t stop thinking. You think of all the things you’ve done wrong or all the things you have ruined and all of the things that are going wrong for you.
And everyday you say the same things: “It will feel better tomorrow, I’ll sleep earlier tonight, I’m probably just tired, I’m being over dramatic, You’re being stupid to cry over this.” But it doesn’t feel better and you don’t go to sleep earlier and you’re crying again. But at least you’re “working on it”.
You had an okay day but now you are alone, all the thoughts come rushing back. And you can’t say anything to anyone because it will be irritating. Poor little Cleo crying again. So you say nothing. And you send them a funny picture or a happy little message and you lie. You say you’re doing better and you’re feeling okay and that you’re working on it. But in reality you couldn’t feel any worse.
It’s like a game. You feel alone but you still don’t do anything about it. Because deep down you feel like a burden to the people around you. You feel like they don’t care and that you can’t say how you actually feel without being annoying. So you say nothing and you suffer in silence.
But at least you’re okay, right? And that smiley selfie you put on insta does make you seem happy. And that picture you tagged them in is really funny. And your snap story is you with your friends. So you’re having fun aren’t you! You’re laughing and you’re smiling. But when you get home it’s a different story.
You put a cute outfit on. And you sent inspirational paragraphs to one of your friends when they were feeling down. And you were there for one of your friends when they had a hard week. But you’re silently screaming that you need someone to send you inspiration, you need someone to be there for you. You need an are you okay text, a hug, a phone call, anything. Because you’re not coping and you don’t know if people see that and are ignoring it or if they really don’t notice.
Because they think you’re being dramatic or that you’re a bitch or that you don’t deserve to feel this way. But you do. You do feel this way and you can’t help it. You can’t help it when you’re laid in bed, sleep deprived and sobbing. Wondering why you feel like this and if you will ever feel normal again. If you will ever not feel hurt, ever not feel like your hearts being ripped in to pieces.
So maybe you don’t know why you’re actually sad or maybe you don’t feel like you deserve to feel the way you do. And maybe you’re “fine” and everyone believes you. But when the lights go down and there’s nothing to distract you, nothing to hide how you actually feel, nothing to cover up. That’s when you have to feel. When you have to acknowledge how you actually feel, when you don’t have school work or friends or family or anything to hide it.
That’s what it’s like when the lights go down.
Take care and try not to worry too much,