Scared to be lonely

“It was great at the very start. Hands on each other. Couldn’t stand to be far apart. Closer the better. Now we’re picking fights. And slamming doors. Magnifying all our flaws. And I wonder why. Wonder what for. Why we keep coming back for more.Is it just our bodies? Are we both losing our minds? Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight ‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely? Do we need somebody? Just to feel like we’re alright? Is the only reason you’re holding me tonight ‘Cause we’re scared to be lonely?”

Learning to be alone with oneself is definitely an art I have not yet acquired. So why is it that I am so scared to be lonely, so scared no one will ever love me like I love them, so scared that I’ll always be alone?

It’s a really weird thing, being alone. I don’t mean being alone as in 10000000 miles away from civilisation in a random place god knows where. I mean what I’m doing right now, sat in my room alone. Sat in my room, typing at my desk on my computer (shock I’m wrapped in a blanket). I’m home alone tonight, everyone is either at work or at a meeting or out for tea at a friends. So it’s just me; alone.

I’ll probably make tea and make too much pasta thinking someone will miraculously appear to keep me company. I wonder if I will bother to set the table for one or just stand next to the hob shovelling pasta in my mouth. (I think I will go for option two as sitting alone will most likely make me feel a bit depressed.) I wonder if I will end up listening to Adele and the song ‘someone like you’ will come on and make my eyes well up with tears as soon as the first lyric starts. Or I wonder if I will remember that listening to Adele when I’m by myself will inevitably make me want to stab myself with a fork. (After I finish eating all the inevitably amazing pasta though.)

That’s the kind of alone I am talking about.

The kind of alone where you know someone could quite easily be keeping you company; but they aren’t.

As the person who is last to leave and first to come home most nights, you would think that I am used to being alone at this point. But I don’t think I will ever be used to it. I feel like I wouldn’t be able to cope if I lived alone. (Like who on earth would I have mini meltdowns to? Would I just sit and silently cry whilst watching Grey’s Anatomy? Sounds realistic to me.)

I mean living alone wouldn’t be all bad. I would be able to wear what I want (Note; I am currently wearing a rather fetching giraffe onesie and a pink fluffy blanket), eat what I want, sleep when I want and leave and return when I want. As someone who has always felt quite controlled when at home, maybe the freedom would be good. I don’t like that I can’t drive and don’t have much choice when I want to leave unless I want to beg my Dad for a lift all the time. Which I think is really starting to irritate him anyway because apparently I am a social butterfly who thinks they are a princess. (Pretty accurate description if you ask me.)

Anyway. Can I just say that this post is really just for me to say that I’m a little lonely. I miss some people and how things used to be. In all honesty I am just feeling a little lonely. I’m worried that I’ll get a lot lonelier overtime and I’m not sure that’s something I can handle. I mean I’m not complaining but for a depresso like me, being alone isn’t always the healthiest thing.

So I’m just wondering if when it comes down to it, are all people lonely at some point in their life? Because if I’m honest I am mega afraid that I am just going to end up sitting on the couch or typing away at my computer and then getting mega depressed. (Which is totally what I am doing right this minute.)

Another side of me being ‘scared to be lonely’ is romantically. Sure I know I’m only 17 and I have plenty of time to find ‘the one’. But when you spend a lot of time alone, you can’t help but think. Will anyone want me? Will I ever find someone? Will anyone I love ever love me back? I mean irrational thoughts times by 60000.

Sometimes you just have to think. Especially in my situation where my friend aka first love is someone I always spend a lot of time with at parties or just in general. We seem to gravitate towards each other whether it’s at a party or us just literally going out either with other people or just us two. He’s that person that you can always go to if you need a friend or if you want a cheeky flirt. But then I start to think. Wait. Are we just doing this because we are scared to be lonely or do we actually care for each other in that way?

Why do we keep coming back for more? Because I don’t know about him but I feel an instant connection whenever he is in the room. So basically I would like to know. Do we only gravitate towards each other because we feel comfortable? Or feel lonely? Or just literally care for each other?

I would LOVE to know. Because currently I can’t stop thinking about it and I am going a bit crazy. My mind is all over the place. But let’s be honest when isn’t it?

So anyway. I’m sure everyone feels lonely at some point. Alone. Lonely. Sad. Depressed. But it gets better; it always does. (Well let’s hope so anyway).

Take care and try not to worry too much,

Cleo xxx

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