Broken friendship. Broken heart.

“Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks.”

Oh my god who knew losing a friend or arguing with a friend could be so hard. I’m trying to be strong and I’m trying not to care but it’s killing me slightly.

I feel an overwhelming sadness that I am carrying around with me all the time. I feel like I’m just constantly carrying around 100 rocks in my bag but all the weight is on my chest. It’s making it hard to breathe.

I keep telling myself that this is for the best, that they hurt me and that they can’t possibly care about me anyway. But either way it’s hurting and the sadness is making it really hard for me to get out of bed in the morning.

There’s two sides to everything. And the two sides to the reactions I am getting from this is that I’m either being selfish, dramatic and need to get over it or I am completely right with how I feel. Either way; I can’t help how I feel and the thought that my feelings might not be valid is something I can’t deal with right now. So basically in my eyes I am valid and the way I feel is okay.

If I am honest I just feel sad. And betrayed. And just a lot of negative emotions. (Maybe this is why I have found myself gravitating to sitting in blankets and eating pringles a little too often.) I really hope I’m not going to end up 16 pounds heavier just because my mood has hit an all time low.

Usually I would say an apology would fix everything. But can it this time? Has everything gone too far? Become too messed up? Got past the point of redemption? My head is reeling and I really can’t think of a solution, an answer, a good thought about this one. Maybe it is past the point of being able to sort things out.

“Lovers have a right to betray you… friends don’t.”

I keep thinking to myself that it can’t be over. There must be some way out. There must be some sort of solution. But the many sleepless nights and long showers with me thinking about anyway I can get past this just really shows that maybe there isn’t a way out. Maybe I am destined to spend the rest of my days best friend less whilst I drag myself around feeling sorry for myself.

I feel like I’m screaming but no one can hear me. I feel trapped and suffocated and alone all at once. God I’ve never felt so alone.

I always thought I had had my heartbroken by him many times. But nothing prepared me for the pain I would feel when I got betrayed by a friend, when I got hurt by a friend and even now when I’m losing one.

I feel like we were on borrowed time. It was like we were both on edge, waiting for something to happen, something to ruin everything. It got to the point where I felt like I was walking on egg shells, waiting for the inevitable to happen which would send me over the edge. Which would basically ruin our friendship for good.

I’m sad. I literally have no other way of describing it. Unless I go in to a 6 paragraph description of how I feel like I just got my heart ripped out of my chest and that I’m dying.

I just feel like I am starting to irritate all my friends and all the people around me. Like maybe they don’t actually care that I’m hurting. Maybe I really am all alone.

 “It takes years to build trust and just seconds to destroy it.”

When it comes down to it, I’m just sad that what I thought was a really special friendship has just been thrown to the side so easily. Maybe it wasn’t as special to them and as heartfelt to them. Maybe they didn’t really care as much as I did. Maybe I was stupid to trust them, to care about them, to love them.

I don’t know anymore. Maybe I’m a little too messed up to actually have anyone to care for me. Maybe I’m meant to be alone.

Take care and try not to worry too much,

Cleo xxx


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