“Time will never break your heart but it’ll take the pain away.”
This blog post is going to be a long one. I am a person who really struggles with not letting myself push people away and ruining my own happiness. So here we go.
Why do we ruin good things? Why do we destroy relationships and friendships with people who love us? Why do we break our own promises and break people’s trust and betray our dreams? Why do we rob ourselves of the happiness we deserve? Why do we chase our dreams and then let them as soon as we get close to them? Why do we run away from happiness?
The mystifying loop of behaviour that is getting so close to happiness and then running from it is something I can relate to immensely. This loop has extremely powerful effects on many people’s lives. It’s like a chain reaction that keeps us hiding and running from the things we have done and the things we think we will inevitably do. We live in a subconscious awareness that we will destroy anything good that we could and do have. This anxiety and awareness is then a backdrop of every moment in our lives.
So this fear and anxiety that we will lose anything good we have or could potentially have then leads to us clinging more tightly to what we love and want to keep. We panic. We don’t want to lose what we have; we just feel like we will. So instead of waiting to lose what we have; we run. This self sabotage comes along with a soul crushing pain and shame of hurting the people we run from. We betray people and destroy the hearts of those we love; we push people away. We feel like we are in a nightmare because in reality we don’t know why we do the things that we do; we just do.
It’s kind of like there is a separate self which makes you do the things you do. We argue and shout and push people away. We hurt people. Which therefore hurts us because we don’t like to hurt the people we love. We just run from the happiness they try to give us. We feel guilty so we want to run. It’s like a loop, a cycle, whatever you want to call it. We run from the happiness and then feel bad about running. It’s exhausting really.
If you can relate to this then I want you to know that you’re not alone. This feeling bad and wanting to run doesn’t make you a bad person. We most likely use this tactic to cope with anxiety, depression and any other pain we are experiencing. We feel like we don’t deserve the happiness so we have to run, hide, get away from it.
We feel like it’s easier to stay away from friendships and relationships. Because those lovely people are going to leave anyway. Better get it over with, ahead of time.
Maybe our cycle of self destruction has become so prominent that we can’t distinguish between our normal self and the actions that ruin us. We might have a faint awareness that we do the things we do but we still do them. They hurt us, they make us feel bad, they make us feel guilty and worthless. But here we are once again. Doing the same things, pushing people away, acting like the person you decided you didn’t want to be anymore. You try to be different, to be positive, to accept the happiness. But life is like a fog full of hatred and regret and self hate. There’s no end in sight and you’re still stuck in the cycle. Can you stop yourself? Can you accept the happy? Why doesn’t anything work out? Why do bad things keep happening? We then feel like this is who we are; this must be what we deserve.
But it’s not. Our problems don’t define us unless we let them. But right now we are letting them define us, letting our problems and feelings change us for the worst. But we aren’t alone. Other people feel like this and we just need to learn how to deal with it. And to do this we need to understand why we always have the urge to run.
It’s everything that has ever happened in our lives that make us feel like this and act like this. The darkness that we fight, the battles that we deal with are as a result of our lives so far and what we have dealt with. We aren’t and we don’t deserve to feel this way; we aren’t destined to be sad and we can escape from the sadness. We use self destructive actions as a defence mechanism and we just need to learn how to stop pushing people away.
We have been hurt in the past. We have put in trust in people who let us down. We have been betrayed. We have been abandoned. We have been hurt so badly that now whenever we get close to people we feel like the same thing will happen again. Do we deserve to feel this way? No. Do we feel like we deserve it? Yes.
We have become so used to getting hurt or having our trust broken or feeling betrayed, that we expect it. So then when we freak out or go crazy over small things we feel like we have a rational explanation why. Like of course we are acting like this, we don’t want to get hurt again. But it’s not okay for us to act this way just because we have been treated badly in the past. We need to accept these feelings and then learn how to move on, how to trust again, how to be happy again.
But when we get hurt; it’s hard to trust again. We can’t deal with these feelings; the dread that we will get hurt again. So we run and we run and we run. Run away from our problems. Run away from the people who love us. Run away from the people who care. We run because that’s what we know how to do and that’s what we think people will do from us anyway. We feel like we will be abandoned or hurt again so we think to ourselves that it will be easier and hurt less if we just get away before this can happen.
When it comes down to it. We can’t run from the present just because we got hurt in the past. Sure our past experiences will probably haunt us for a long long time but it doesn’t mean they need to affect and ruin our current life too. Seeing life this way is so refreshing. To know that our past doesn’t have to affect us.
People change. Things change. Time heals our pain. Sometimes we just need time and sometimes we just need to cling on to the people around us. The people who love us, who don’t try to hurt us, who accept us, the people that stop us from running or cling on to us if we try to. The people that care.
We don’t need to worry about being abandoned when we have people in our lives that love us. We are who we are and they love us for it.
I will be forever thankful for some of the people in my life. Those people who would never hurt me or betray me and would never let me push them away in a million years. I struggle with letting people close to me because I am so paranoid that I am going to get hurt or that they will leave me. But it gets to the point where I can’t live in fear anymore. Sure, I push people away sometimes and I struggle with letting people in. But there are some people who are worth letting in, worth trusting, worth caring about and worth letting myself love.
So here I am. Accepting that sometimes my behaviour is self destructing and that sometimes I don’t make life easy for myself and that sometimes I do things that hurt other people. Accepting that it’s okay to feel sad and it’s okay to push the people who hurt me away and not let them hurt me anymore. Accepting that I have people who care about me in my life and people that love me. And that it’s okay to love people and not be worried that they will hurt me. Because sometimes it’s okay to let people in, to let people love you, to be happy.
It’s okay to be happy sometimes. Being happy doesn’t mean something bad is going to happen. It just means that you’re happy. And that’s okay!!!!
Take care and try not to worry too much,