“Let me photograph you in this light, in case it is the last time that we might be exactly like we were before we realised we were sad of getting old. It made us restless. Oh I’m so mad I’m getting old. It makes me reckless. It was just like a movie. It was just like a song. My god this reminds me of when we were young.”
I feel really sentimental today and I really don’t know why. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep that has suddenly made me re-think my life a bit. (I guess it’s probably staying up until 3am just so I could watch all the episodes of Riverdale that are currently aired that’s making me this tired but we won’t dwell.)
I guess I just feel like I’m running out of time. I totally understand that everyone grows up, things change, people leave and life goes on. But today I’m just like wait can everything just stop for a second? Is there a way I can make a negotiation where I just get an extra few years with life like this, with the people I love, with him? Okay I know I can’t have a few extra years but how about a few added months, a few added moments that I can hold on to. I just want to hold on to it all a little bit longer.
Will I look back on this time in my life in a few years and miss it? Or will I be like thank god that’s over? I know life is hard but there are always going to be some struggles in everyone’s lives. That’s just how it is. But for the most part there are people in my life that I just want some extra time with. Some extra moments that I can savour and treasure and remember in the next years to come. It’s all I want.
I mean when it comes down it; we are all getting older. Our time together at school and our time as teenagers is slipping away so fast. All I can imagine is in however many years I will be looking back at this time in my life, the time where I am at school and I am a teenager and I have so many things happening all at once, and wondering how much I have changed. I’ll be able to look back and remember everyone I’ve ever fallen out with, everyone I’ve ever been friends with, everyone I’ve ever hated and everyone I’ve ever loved. I’ll look back on moments that will seem like a lifetime ago and that seems crazy to me because right now it’s what is happening to me currently.
Sometimes I wish I could just freeze the picture, the moment, the situation and save it from the funny tricks of time. Because soon enough it’s just a memory, a moment, a funny time in my life for me to look back on.
My panic of growing older is somehow making me in to a reckless person. I mean who cares right, I am running out of time anyway. I’m just so scared that I will look back and not be happy with what I have achieved. Will I be disappointed with what I have done so far? Will I be unhappy with who I have become as a person? Will I change so much that I won’t even recognise the old me?
As a 17 year old I know that I will obviously change. Even in the next few months my life and inevitably I will change drastically. So obviously if I can drastically change in a few months then my life in a few years will be unrecognisable. But does that mean I will be unrecognisable too? Will I hold on to who I am as a person or will I become someone so new and different? It annoys me that I don’t have the answers to any of these questions. But instead of being freaked out by that; I’ve decided to be excited. Life is exciting and I am glad that I get to experience it.
Even though I’m still young, the inevitable fact that I am going to get older is really playing on my mind today. I won’t always be in school and I won’t always have my friends constantly surrounding me. That also makes me wonder who I will be friends with in the future. I have all hope that some people currently in my life will be for years to come but who won’t be? How much will life and the people who I’m friends with change? I’m not too worried about this one though; I know the important people will always stay close to my heart.
There are some people who just feel like home to me. Talking to them just makes me feel all warm and glowy inside. I can’t wait for years to come with these certain people in my life. I know the important people are the one’s you can never let go of.
The song “When We were Young” by Adele is definitely what inspired this blog post. The lyrics “It’s hard to admit that everything just takes me back. To when you were there. And a part of me keeps holding on. Just in case it hasn’t gone. I guess I still care. Do you still care?” really hit me hard when I rediscovered this song today. It made me think of him.
The lyrics made me think will I always feel like this about him? Or will there be someone else who makes my heart skip or make my chest ache in my best way possible? I sometimes think I will always hold on to him because there are so many possibilities when it comes to me and him. I feel like it’ll never be off the table. There will always be that possibility, that maybe, that what if feeling.
As the time we have left at school is slipping away I keep having this panicky feeling. The feeling that makes me want to stop and savour every moment. I want to remember every Taylor Swift sing along car journey, every High School Musical movie night, every 4 hour long Facetime call, every shopping trip, every laughing moment which left me cry laughing until I could barely breathe. But I know I won’t be able to.
I just want to scream. Because if anything time is speeding up. Moments are flying by and I just want to be able to look back and remember it all. Every single second. But I can’t even remember what I had for tea last night sometimes. So the probability that I will remember every beautiful moment with the people in my life is extremely low.
So basically today I am just feeling sentimental. I feel sentimental about my friends and how little time I have left to be with them before we go our separate ways to uni or work or whatever we want to do in life. And I feel sentimental about him and how much I wonder if I will always feel this way about him and if I will always remember the way he made me feel.
So anyway. I guess I still care. Do you still care?
Take care and try not to worry too much,