feelings · friendship · Growing up · Heartbreak · Life · memories · moments · Uncategorized

I knew you once

“I knew you once. And it was nice. I knew your brain and your heart. All your insides.
Oh I could tell. Just with a look. What you were thinking. That’s all it took. You shared your secrets. And I shared mine. Silence was comfy. Without having to try. We swapped our smiles. Gifted advice. Yes, I knew you once. And it was nice.”

Hello,

When it comes to arguments and drama I seem to always be involved in it. But I never seem to let it get to the point where I’m at risk of affecting the friendship and especially when it gets to the point where I could lose the friendship. Maybe I’m just emotional, but I can’t bare losing friendships or slowly feeling myself drift away from someone. I really can’t bare it.

I am the type of person who either has all their attention on something or none at all. All or nothing. Go big or go home. And I feel like this attitude shines very bright through my friendships. I am a fiercely loyal individual and when it comes to friendships I share everything and truly put all my trust in my friends. Now this can definitely be seen as a strong point as I put everything I possibly can in to my friendships. But really it just makes it so much harder if any of these friendships start to disintegrate.

I put everything in to my friendships and relationships. This is of course a good part of me but I am also seeing the downside to it. Recently I am struggling with drifting away from people or even when I am finding it difficult to stay friends with someone. Overall it’s heartbreaking for me to cut ties with the people I become friends with because it’s like they take a piece of me when they leave.

I know I probably shouldn’t but I feel like I let myself become reliant on people too easily. Like sure it’s fabulous to be close to people and to trust them, share things with them, become used to them always being there. But when the chance of them leaving or not being in my life anymore becomes ever so clear- It’s shattering. It completely tears me apart.

The thought of losing my friends literally breaks my heart.

Now maybe I’ve just become too reliant or maybe I have made this idea in my mind that just allows me to become too close to people. But am I really the only one who thinks it is okay to share your true self, your likes and dislikes, your dreams and aspirations, the way you think, your soul with people and then for them to just not be in your life anymore?

What do I do with the secrets they shared with me? How do I forget the way they smiled when a certain thing happened or the way they throw their head back when they laugh or the way they sleep or the way they always tuck their hair behind their ear? Do I just learn all these things about people and memorise the way they act until I can decipher their mood with just a quick glance from them and then forget? Do I just forget everything I ever learned about them?

I mean I’m not saying my best friends are leaving or that I’m suddenly about to ditch or lose all my friends. But there is that point in the night when you have time to just lie in bed and think. And the thoughts come. Last night at around 2am (yes I was very tired today) the idea that I may not be friends with the people I am friends with now in a few years was playing on my mind.

Will it get to the point where I will just look back and only have memories with these people? My best friends. Will I not message them or speak to them regularly? Will I actually be able to go a day without speaking to them? Because the thought of that now is truly horrific to me.

There are some people that I just won’t be able to live without. It’s literally bizarre to me to think about living life without some people in it. Like who will I message with a disaster and who will I facetime when I don’t know what to wear and who will I stay up talking to even though I know I will regret it in the morning. I rely on these people because I love them. I can probably live without them; I just never want to.

So I’m hoping that a certain few people will stay in my life forever. I’m more than hoping, I’m literally adamant that they need to stay in my life forever. Like sure I can deal with losing some people because that just comes with growing up. But there are those people, Those few people that I will literally die without. (Not actually die but you get what I mean).

I’m going to try to actually sleep tonight and not let myself have a complete freak out about stuff I can’t control. (But that’s literally all I do so good luck to me).

Take care and try not to worry too much,

Cleo xxx

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