Pick me, choose me, love me.

”I lied. I’m not out of this relationship. I’m in. I’m so in, it’s humiliating because here I am begging. Ok here it is: Your choice, it’s simple: her or me. And I’m sure she’s really great… But Derek, I love you. In a really really big, pretend to like your taste in music, let your eat the last piece of cheese cake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you.
So pick me. Choose me. Love me.”-Meredith Grey to Derek Shepherd (Grey’s Anatomy)

Hey,

I haven’t blogged in a while and on one hand I have missed it but on the other hand I feel like I just needed a break. I would be lying if I hadn’t put major pressure on myself to try and blog as often as possible because I feel like sometimes I don’t want to blog but after I have I feel so much better. Blogging helps me express some emotions I would otherwise just repress and try to ignore. So as much as I put it off, I do eventually miss it and therefore here I am.

I was watching Grey’s Anatomy earlier (like usual) and I was watching season 2 episode 5 where Meredith admits her love to Derek in an attempt to persuade him to pick her over Addison. Meredith’s speech is shown in the quote above and has always been a speech that has really made an impression on me. As amusing as the dramatic love confession and the whole ‘unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you’ line is; it is still a speech I relate to more than I would like to admit.

In my life I’ve just realised I really love him. Like sell your soul, pretend to like his favourite TV show, give him the last piece of cake, reply paragraphs to his one word messages, don’t sleep just to stay up and talk to him, think about him that much you start to despise him, love him. So when I was randomly re-watching Grey’s episodes and Meredith’s speech came on screen I could suddenly relate to something. I could finally see how my emotions could be explained in a much more simple way other than I LOVE HIM SO MUCH I CAN’T BREATHE.

The fact that one person can make you feel so many things, do so many things and act in a certain way blows my mind. When did it get to the point that one person could alter my mood for the entire week, make me feel so many emotions all at once that I feel like I could explode and even make me change the way I act in a second? When did I become so affected by one person?

There are some people in life that can affect your entire day, your mood and just everything about you and there is nothing you can do to change that. Humans are affected by people and the things around them; we are constantly changing, reacting and adapting to the things that are happening to us. There are certain people in my life who can alter my entire day; he is one of them.

When it comes to expressing my emotions or telling people how I feel, I’ve always been a bit too dramatic. Like sure they understand that I really care about them but did I really need to make myself look that desperate?

Anyway back to Grey’s Anatomy instead of talking about the tragedy that is my love life. The way Meredith admits her love to Derek is something that has always surprised and shocked me. As someone who has never admitted her love before, just ran from it, Meredith was surprisingly honest with the way she felt about Derek. Now this makes me think; should I be doing that? Or can I stay hidden with my emotions for just a little while longer?

Sometimes you have to throw yourself out there and hope for the best. Of course it’s scary and you might end up getting absolutely and totally rejected. But trust me it’ll all end up okay, even if it’s not in the way you have stayed up for too many sleepless nights thinking about.

Derek ended up picking the other woman for a while but he soon went back to Meredith. Sometimes you will get everything you ever wanted all at once. Sometimes you’ll have to wait a while before getting it. Sometimes you’ll never get what you thought you wanted. And that’s okay! Maybe it’ll change you as a person and maybe that’ll be a good thing. Maybe you’ll realise that what you wanted for so long isn’t what you really needed.

I always try to be inspirational or positive when it comes to being rejected because trust me I know it hurts like a bitch. But seriously it’ll all end up fine; trust me.

Take care and try not to worry too much,

Cleo xxx

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