“The idea of love has always been a novel concept to me. I never knew what it properly meant to love someone so much that you would want to spend the rest of your life with them, until I met you. Sometimes I remember the whirlwind of what our time together was like but I can’t for long. Sometimes it hurts to even hear your name but other times my hearts stops beating for a second just at the sight of something that reminds me of you.
The idea of caring for someone so much that it consumed your entire life was never something I recognised. The moment I saw you I knew everything would change, I didn’t know what or how but I knew. Your laughter still haunts me and the twinkle in your hazel brown eyes still makes my stomach twist. I never knew how much it took for it all to be too much until we started to spend time together.
The idea of noticing how someone felt just by glancing at them was always impossible to me. But it was always that way with you. The twitch of a smirk on your face could make me crazy. The worst thing was that you knew.
The worst thing is that I don’t think I’ll ever feel the same about anyone ever again. The worst thing is that the first time I saw him I knew this would happen; it was the feeling that came along with the way he smiled at me.
It’s weird how you don’t notice the small things until you’ve lost it all. I see the way she looks at you and the way you smile right back. I see the way everyone around you knows. They ask me how I feel about it. And I smile. That’s all I can do, I smile like I have never been happier for them. But she’s my best friend.
It’s strange how I never imagined that they could ever happen but then I remember the way they could always work so well together and the way her eyes would glisten when I mentioned him to her. I never thought much of it but now I realise how stupid I was to ever think he was mine when she was around.
I’m happy for them I say but that bitter twist is back in my stomach and the ugliness of my thoughts about them swallows me from the inside. I knew that he burned too bright; I knew he wouldn’t be good for me but maybe he knew how much he affected me. What I didn’t know is how fast I would be affected. What I didn’t know was how fast it would be over.
When he sees me he smiles and gives me a high five as if he is thanking me for introducing her to him. I see her and the way his whole body lights up when she walks in to a room and everything crashes around me. If only they knew how much I had loved him, how much I still loved him.
The idea of love scares me now. Loving him was like a hurricane but the only damage left behind is me.”