You make my heart ache 

“I know I probably don’t cross your mind much anymore but I hope someday you see something that reminds you of me and the things we used to spend hours talking about at night and then your throat gets tight and your heart skips a beat and you finally miss me back.”

Hey guys,

This is an interesting one because last night I was in one of those emotional moods and I remember opening up a fresh blog post and just kind of blurting out a lot of feelings. In a much calmer mood in the morning after a night’s sleep I then read back what I had wrote. Even though it’s a bit of an emotional mess I thought I would post it anyway.

Anyway. Please enjoy late night me, emotional me, sad me, dread induced me:

“He hasn’t even left yet and my heart already ACHES at the thought. I can just be sat anywhere and the feeling will take over and I’m like racked with this pain, guilt, dread. Dread.

I dread the day when all my friends go to uni but especially him. I know I’ll stay in touch with all my friends (the important ones anyway) but what about him?

Do I mean even half as much to him as much as he does to me? Will he think about me when he watches a new or old episode of a TV show he knows I love, or when he eats pizza, or when he wears that top I love on him. Will he remember the conversations we used to have and the way he used to make me laugh when we ran to get a seat in the silent work area.

I miss the way he made me feel already. The happy, the sad, the infuriated and the completely psycho. He makes me insanely angry to the point where I can do nothing but laugh. What will happen when he leaves? Will I find someone else who makes me as happy and as mad at the same time like he does?

What if we don’t speak anymore and I’m left with that feeling that you’ve forgotten to do something that day and that you’re missing something.

I guess I’ll never learn. I’m all caught up again. Caught up and distracted. My mind is all over the place and I’m infuriated with myself. I’ve let myself get to this point again, the point of dread.

I dread the day I won’t talk to him as much anymore and I dread the day when I won’t see him 5/7 days of the week. I just dread September.

I feel like I’m running out of time to be happy or be be satisfied with my life. Will I always be stuck in this situation? So close but so far away from getting what I want, being happy or having closure.

I’m so not chill and I’m so not okay with this but we won’t dwell. I’ll just stay in this absolute blur of dread for a little while longer.”

Isn’t late night me such a joy? Hopefully the next blog post won’t be so filled with dread (I seemed to really relate to the word dread last night).

Take care and try not to worry so much,

Cleo xxx

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