Pushing people away

‘’I’m not the same person I used to be. Sometimes it’s like I’m watching a complete stranger when I look at old videos and photos. Sometimes I glance at myself in the mirror and wonder who the hell I’m looking at.

I don’t know why I do the things I do. I push people away. It’s like there’s something inside my mind telling me that they will leave anyway so I might as well help them out of my life. I push and I shout and I scream and I break people’s hearts in the process. Sometimes I forget that my actions affect others. I guess I just never really thought I had that much of an effect on the people around me at all.

I don’t really know quite how to describe how I feel sometimes. It’s like a dark cloud hangs over me and the dread that fills me makes me feel like I’m suffocating. I think of how the next person will leave me and how much it will hurt. I think if this will be it or not and if I will actually be able to survive another person leaving.

Their eyes are all that I can see. The way they look at me after I say something or do something that just pushes them over the edge. Half of me wants to beg for them to stay but the over half just wants them to stop trying to help me. They just kept pushing and pushing trying to get me to talk to them and try to explain what was the matter with me. I just say I’m irritated because I don’t want to bother them by trying to explain what’s wrong. I don’t even know how to understand it myself anyway.

I wonder if I just stop for one minute would they stay. Would they be there for me like they said they always would be? Of course not. Everyone leaves; they always have. So I just waste time and avoid the topic that I really want to tell someone ANYONE about. How I feel like I’m drowning in my own mind.

I say I don’t need anyone or anything. But when I’m alone with no one to talk to I sometimes don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to move from my bed again. I don’t quite know how to say how I feel. But I know what I need to stop doing. I need to stop pushing people away because I know I do it. It’s like I’m trying to give them a one way ticket away from me. I’m a mess. I just don’t want them to see it.

The people who have stayed all this time throughout all the arguments and all the times I’ve tried to push them away. Well they have helped me realise I’m not just a huge mess but I’m a gem too. There’s darkness inside of me but it’s within everyone, the people around you is what helps cover the dread with happiness, no matter how many times you try to push them away.’’


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