18 days in to the New year and I am still obsessed with being a ‘new me’ but it’s only ended in me wallowing in self pity. I set all these unrealistic expectations for myself that I never quite meet. I mean did I really think I was going to become a mentally stable goddess overnight?
No matter what I say or promise myself I always end up in the same place (1am wrapped in a blanket) filled with a whole lot of self hatred and a whole lot of doubt. I try to be this happy shiny person and if I’m honest it kills me. I’ve never been a person who is always happy and excitable and that really stresses me out. Should I be more happy? Why am I not more happy? The answer to all of these questions is what keeps me up at night wondering what’s wrong with me.
Regrettably my new years resolutions included being more happy but I think it’s going to take more than just a stupid resolution for that to happen. For the past year I feel like I’ve been so obsessed with trying to ‘find myself’ that it’s just got to the point where I’m losing myself trying to do so. I’ve become so besotted with needing to find myself and be happier that I haven’t just stopped and allowed myself to just enjoy the little things in life. I’ve had so many reasons to enjoy life for the past year and in 2017 I hope that I can finally realise this.
A conversation I had with one of my close friends the other day has been replaying over and over in my mind. I had been having one of those days (you know those days where you want to crawl back in to the depths of your bed and never return) and she was quick to say ‘it’s okay to be sad, don’t suppress it, feel it’. It made me realise that it’s not all about being happy- it’s okay to be sad too.
Emotions are emotions whatever they are. In my opinion people spend too much time trying to be happy (myself included).
Sad, unhappy, sorrowful, bitter, pessimistic.
I’m sure seeing those words made you want to grab a chocolate bar, wrap yourself up in blanket, run yourself a bath or do whatever it is you do when you feel sad. It’s all about the distractions I say until it has all built up and I can’t suppress the sad anymore. I think it’s time people talk about their struggles, talk about what is bothering them, talk about what’s keeping them up at night.
Why has being sad become such an issue for people? Why are people trying so hard to be happy and how is it not killing them?
I’m tired. I’m tired of pretending to be happy all the time when I’m not. I’m tired of not being allowed to feel sad without someone saying I need to cheer up or move on or get over it. At this moment in time I can’t get over it and I can’t get past it BUT I will. I’ll get over it I just need time and luckily I have a brand new shiny year to do it in. (I know 18 days have already been and gone but we won’t dwell).
My promise to myself this year is to allow myself to feel what I feel and not worry about it. I wasted so much time trying to make myself feel happy all the time when in reality everyone has bad days.
Have good days. Have bad days. Enjoy 2017 whilst you can.
Take care and try not to worry too much,